Scotlandshire Office is "too wee and stupid" to author Separation Chronicles.
By Nat Butcher, our Political Correspondent.
Scotlandshire Office officials and ministers are hiding from public gaze today, after it has emerged that they were deemed "too small, too poorly resourced and too ill equipped" by UK ministers who were allocating responsibility for the creation of the 13 "Separation Chronicles".
The white papers are due to be released at a rate of one each month throughout 2013, a year which will apparently contain an entire extra month for the purpose. Each is designed to show what a terrible idea Scottish Independence would be, but from a different perspective in each case.
Thousands of civil servants will spend a year of their lives telling Scots precisely how wee, poor and stupid they are, and what a joke it is that they are thinking of running their own affairs. Ministers are confident that their efforts, and the enormous expense, will not have been in vain.
The embarrassment for the Scotlandshire Office began when the following Freedom of Information reply was sent to separatist agitators, who then illegally posted it on the internet. The letter makes it clear that the SO was not considered to be up to the job of discrediting the Scottish secessionist movement, simple as that job should have been.
Lib Dem Scottish Secretary Mickey Moore said: "To be honest, it was even more embarrassing because we had just advertised for someone to make up more stuff about how poor and useless Scotland is. I don't know what we'll get her to do now.
Yes, I admit it was quite embarrassing to be given no responsibility at all for writing the Separation Chronicles, but David Cameron did say we could choose the colour of the covers. That's pretty important work as you need to be able to tell one from the other, since they will all say basically the same thing.
"But, as long as nobody probes into what we actually do here, we're pretty safe. And, lets face it, Westminster isn't going to rock the boat as they slice £10 million a year of the Scottish block grant to pay for us to undermine the Scottish Executive. You couldn't make it up! He he."
Tory Scotlandshire Office minister (Parliamentary Under Secretary of State for Scotlandshire) David Mundell MP warbled: "I'm wonewy... oh so wonewy."
While the leader of the now defunct SLD party, oor Wullie Rennie, opined: "I haven't a Scooby what they do there, but it's very reassuring to know that there is a little bit of Westminster in the very heart of Edinburgh.
"Ok, they may cost us a fortune, and they are probably pointless nowadays, but hey, whit can you do, eh? Tickets. Have your tickets ready."
We asked Labour's Ian Davidson MP, chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee for Westminster Attempting Nonsensically to Keep England Running Scotland, for his thoughts. He told us:
"Of course we didnae trust Frankeinstein and Paddington tae write thon Chronicles, we widnae trust that per ay useless wankers tae write a bookies line. Whit Scots dinnae realise is, it's no the Tories and their wee LibDem pals that ur their enemy – it's us.
"The Tories dinnae gie a shite aboot Scoatlandshire, they jist want somewhere tae stick their nukes and of course aw the oil money comes in handy. And naebuddy gies a shite whit the LibDems want.
"We want yur votes. We want control. An youse keep gien it tae us. We've been sellin' youse oot fur decades, an' yes keep oan votin' us back in. It's f--kin' brilliant.
"Now were getting ready tae wipe oot any differences between baith sides ay the border, and you'll lap it up as usual. Youse ur just the kiech oan oor bits, an' dinnae forget it!
Apparent leader of the ConLab party in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont-Davidson was unavailable for comment due to being even more useless than the Scotlandshire office.
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