By Crapt N. McKegs, our War Correspondent

A former Labour defence minister has suggested threatening to drop a neutron bomb on the England-Scotlandshire border if Scots vote for independence in 2014, in order to crack down on possible future terrorism by creating a impassible barrier between the two countries.

Prone to gaffes, on occasion Lord Gilbert O'Sullivan’s statements have had to be removed from the official record of Parliamentary proceedings for their inappropriate language.

Speaking in the House of Lords on Thursday, during a debate on nuclear disarmament, Lord Gilbert said England could use the radiation warheads "to create cordons sanitaire along the border where people may cause trouble or do some terrorism".

"Your Lordships may say that this is impractical, but nobody lives up in the mountains on the border between Scotlandshire and England except for a few sheep and a handful of people herding them," he said.

"If you told them that some ERRB warheads were going to be dropped there and that it would be a very unpleasant place to go, they would not go there.

"You would greatly reduce your problem of protecting those borders from infiltration through an unprotected Scotlandshire.

"These things are not talked about, but they should be, because there are great possibilities for deterrence in using the weapons that we already have in that respect."

Neutron bombs are a type of thermonuclear weapon designed to kill people while leaving physical structures such as buildings intact.

Responding for the government Lord Wallace said the coalition did not completely share the "rumbustious views" of Gilbert, but could see the logic in his argument.

The plans outlined by Baron Gilbert chime with earlier statements by Lord Fraser of Carmyllie that an independent Scotland would be left defenceless and that the rUK would then need to carpet bomb its airports to prevent them being used by the enemies of England as a bridgehead.

Frazer further claimed that rUK should need to annexe the Northern Isles and relocate Trident to Scapa Flow, which would then be defended by English naval forces.

This would appear, on the surface, to be evidence of a well-thought out plan, but Baron Gilbert went on to state that Glasgow should also be neutron bombed in order to protect Trident in the event of independence. He said:

“It would be bad enough to have all of England's nuclear weapons hosted in a foreign country, but far worse to have them sited within easy reach of half a million potential terrorists, particularly when we can deal with the issue quickly and easily, using only a fraction of our existing arsenal.”

However, on closer examination, the plans outlined by the brace of Lords are contradictory. If the border was made radiant, the airports bombings would be redundant. If Trident was in Scapa Flow, the annihilation of Glasgow would be pointless.

It appears, therefore, that two competing post-independence plans are jockeying for supremacy within their Lordships House. No doubt we will discover which of them has won, around December 2014.

A substantial group of peers (formally an intemperance of Lords) has already objected to Gilbert's plans on the grounds that irradiating the border would make access to their Scottish sporting estates much more problematic, as helicopters have a very low flight ceiling.

The Scottish government has decided, just to be on the safe side, to take precautions against both potential scenarios.

Each of Scotland's runways will be covered in Axminster carpet tiles, in sphagnum green. This 'pre-carpeting' will camouflage the runways, confusing the carpet-bombers.

In order to stop nuclear weapons from being used on the Scottish population, the government will take the simple step of denying access to the Clyde to anyone in possession of a dodgy accent or supercilious smirk. Specially trained police officers will check for the presence of visible chins and listen out for a robust, manly pronunciation of the letter 'R'.

Labour shadowy Defence Secretary and ace bomber pilot, Jimmy 'Spud' Murphy said:

"I huv volunteered to fly the Glesga bomb masel. I really, really hate them Scottish basturts. Especially the Weegies. They aw laughed at me when ah wis a wean, an cawed me Skeletor.

"Well, they'll no be laughing fur very long noo, eh!"

Labour's Ian Davidson MP, chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee for the National United Kingdom Eejit Machine, said:

“The truth is, if Scoatland goes fur separashun, we're aw f--ked doon here. But, fur f--ks sakes, dinnae tell onybudy. Youse jist keep that tae yirsells, or ah'll gie yes a right doin', so ah wull! An that goes fur you an' aw, hen. OK?”

Sureptitious head of Labour's Scotlandshire branch Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she was checking out the bridie stores and Buckie tanks in her secret George Square nuclear bunker – just in case.

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