"Ruth-less" Tory vote holding up, says Ruth

By David Torrents, our Variegated Jumper Correspondent

ruth wake upIn a fiendish move, noted by her opponents as "seizing victory from the jaws of defeat", Ruth Davidson has accused the SNP of deliberately keeping the elderly alive.

"The Tory vote in Scotland is holding up... we are being kept alive, on life-support if you will, by the actions of the SNP in improving our NHS.

"Our 'grey brigade' is still going strong and may even have the momentum to ensure a return to Downing Street of our beloved PM David Cameron. And who do we have to thank for this... the SNP.

"This is a clear indication that they would like to have MORE Tory governments.

"If they didn't, they would follow in Labour's Welsh government's moves and have a much shittier health service."

Responding to the news, a Labour spokes-screech condemned the SNP's continuing support of the Tories and called on Nicola Sturgeon to immediatelly promise to sack 1000 nurses post election to reduce the effectiveness of the health service.

Creepy Jim Morphy said "if the SNP promise to scrap 1000 nurses we'll say no more on this. Mainly because we'll not need to employ anyone new to meet our 1000 more nurses than ANYTHING the SNP promise, so that would be a problem gone... but more than that, they will be letting old Tory politics die, rather than keeping them alive."

When asked what his views were on the SNP considering the move Morphy immediatelly retorted: "Only the SNP would seek to euthanise elderly no-voters. This is a ploy to win a future referendum and Labour demand that they match our policy of having 1000 more nurses than ANYTHING the SNP propose.

"Why they can't seem to match this promise is a mystery to me. However, I hope they do all they can to keep these elderly no voters alive, while simultaneously stop helping the tories by keeping their grey vote alive. It's a simple ask."

Tory delegates at the Conference were startled when they awoke in the hall to see Davidson on stage, after her surprise resignation announcement on the spoof channel's "Oot O' Yir Beds, Scotlandshire!"

Davidson had talked about the need to target Tory voters - after all, they were the butt of jokes from every other party and the Tory Party needed to be seen to be like ordinary people.

paintballAs supporters of Scotlandshire's hunting estates, the Tories had been expected to boost hunters' interests. However, her decision that she was "not about to put targets on the backs of my candidates in these seats" was criticised by the paint ball industry.

"Not all our customers are good shots", said a spokessplatt. "Without such government aid, innocent members of the public could be easily mistaken as Tory candidates. Indeed, Gordon Brown has complained to us about having been so identified on numerous occasions."

However, there was fury when she said that targetting details would be "pretty Ruth" less.

Tory candidate hopeful, Lady Virginia McClumpherty said: "Gals who are properly brought up don't go around saying how pretty they are, like a character in West Side Story! If we see less of her, and more of proper Tories like Jacob Rees-Mogg campaigning in Scotlandshire then my base voter will be glad she has resigned."


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