Oh, Danny Boy

By Libby Demopratt, Our Very Minor Party Correspondent

dannyboyDanny Alexander has insisted he will not "be blown out of the water" in his Inverness constituency by subversive Drew Hendry, SNP councillor for Loch Ness.

Polling suggests that Alexander’s votes have drained away.

Osborne’s right-toe man said he had been "the rock of stability" on which the economic recovery had been built and that, like any stone, he would sink without trace so “being blown by Drew Hendry wasn’t likely to happen."

Hendry rapidly agreed that blowing Alexander was not one of his objectives, but he couldn’t speak for Nessie, although she made up the largest body of his constituents.

In an amazing parallel with a recent case in France, it has transpired that he was originally to be named Wendy, but that an unfortunate error by a Scottish hospital, had resulted in his being sent home to the wrong Alexander couple, whose child was brought up in a Scottish manse along with their son Douglas.

shelabvanBBC Scotlandshire's Health Correspondent, Hellonearth Broadbrush, described this as "an appalling consequence of allowing the Natz to run the British NHS in the 1960s and 70s". The failure to spot the obvious differences was based on one couple being Highlanders and the others a minister and his wife.

shelabvan2"Such people could not be expected to inspect groinal areas", said Broadbrush.

In a further bizarre coincidence, pollster posh boy Lord Ashcroft chose to examine the constituencies of both natural brothers.

In a joint statement the Alexanders stated: "The only people with egg on their faces after the election will be the pundits, who are predicting all these seats being lost."

Scotlandshire's leader in waiting (and waiting), 'Creepy' Jim Morphy disagreed: "In order to increase sympathy for our joint British candidate team, I have arranged for all Patriotic and Unionist candidates to be egged by kilt-wearing, woad painted actors thugs whenever media cameras can be arranged."

Mhairi Black, Douglas Alexander's uncouth young opponent remarked: " Actually chaps, I think Douglas is a thoroughly decent person, and I would be delighted to take him home to meet mater. Pater would love to instruct him in the subtleties of croquet on the lawn, and Douglas would simply adore Cook's cucumber sandwiches.

"Perhaps he could join us when the Sevco players come over for tea and crumpet?"

Meanwhile, MP for Inverclyde Iain McKenzie, incensed by the Ashcroft poll (he was completely ignored), made a desperate attempt to get the votes of 16 and 17 year olds at Notre Dame HS by promising that SLAB would give them the right to slaughter pedestrians on the road by giving them the right to drive and drink booze.

In a hasty clarification, Deputy Dawgdale said: "Iain is more than a little confused. Only those young people attending a football match will be able to drink and drive, and then only during really boring matches like those at Cappielow."

BBC Scotlandshire attempted to contact Nick Clegg but only managed to speak with the Deputy Prime Minister's spokespledger, who responded: "Oh, please no! Not Danny as well. At this rate Wullie Rennie will be the only politician left to lead the UK party - but hey, what can we do?"


Related Articles

Herald: Danny Alexander: I will not be "blown out of the water" in election

BBC Europe: France baby-swap families win damages

Greenock Telegraph : Notre Dame students speak with MP about voting age

New Statesman : Revised Ashcroft polling shows Nick Clegg could lose his seat


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