SLAB says new DNA facility is 'Attack on the Clones'

By Gene Sequins, Our Artificial Stupidity Correspondent

clonesDeputy Dawgdale has attacked a new DNA testing facility as a “politically motivated attack on people genetically incapable of making decisions”.

Police Scotlandshire has unveiled a new £6m DNA-profiling facility which it says is the most advanced in Europe.

It will hold the key to eliminating theft of Scottish elections, by allowing them to obtain DNA profiles from smaller or lower-quality samples than before.

Dawgdale claimed that identifying SLAB activists as “lower-quality”, while accurate, was discriminatory against Labour’s imaginative cloning technique which meant that every Slab member produced 1,000 more activists than the Natz could deliver.

“It is a FACT that the single biggest party gets to form the next government”, she repeated ad nauseum, “and Jim and I are fully occupied with making more party members. Frankly, I’m so exhausted that I can hardly walk.”

The new technology is based at the £75m Scottish Crime Campus at Gartcosh in North Lanarkshire, which was a hotbed of subversive Yes voting human activists.

Previous profiling technology looked at 11 areas of a person's DNA. The European standard is 17. The new facility looks at 24 – 7 of which are designed specifically to identify those duplicate humans who lack attributes like a heart, a conscience, or intelligence.

The political director of the Scottish Police Authority said: "DNA24 provides the criminal justice system in Scotlandshire with the most sensitive and informative DNA profiling results currently possible.

"It offers a major step forward in enhancing the contribution forensic services can make to the pursuit of justice in Scotland, and shafting those SLAB bastirts.

“While we have seen increased evidence of Slabbers disrupting the peace (and even worse, the jammy piece) of innocent Scots voters, they seem to rapidly exhaust their energy packs, fall dead on the streets, and waste the time of NHS A&E and Pathology Departments.

“In post-mortem examinations, they are found to be universally cloaked as old men, but lacking such essential characteristics as balls.”

The Scottish Crime Campus, which opened last year, is occupied by agencies including the police, forensics, customs, the prosecution service, and Christine Grahame - the political wing of the SNP.

The crime campus is located on the site of a former steelworks at Gartcosh which closed in 1986, along with the last remnants of Britishness.

Deputy Dawgdale commented: "The inability of the Labour Party to stop Maggie's destruction of Scottish industry isn't my fault - I was in nursery school at the time."

Justice Secretary Matheson visited the campus for the launch of the new DNA testing facility, while taking a break from his other job as leader of Glasgow Council.

He said: "During 2014, there was a dramatic mutation in Labour DNA as it became indistinguishable from Tory DNA. In a dangerous further development, Willie Bain has unfortunately produced a horrendous genetic mutation where one strand of the twin double helix mutates and decides it wants to totally oppose the other strand whatever it is or does.”

Matheson furiously denied the suggestion that he intended to establish racial purity in Scotland by eliminating the Con/Lab DNA strain.

He insisted, “Just as the English intend to have a Margaret Thatcher Museum, we intend to keep a Con/Lab DNA bank in case it should ever be needed.

"The material is currently stored in John Mason.”


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