By Sicko Phant, our Labour in Scotlandshire Correspondent

In a shock announcement today, Jim Morphy MP, manager of Scotlandshire Labour party branch office, told reporters outside the little-known cathedral, Our Lady of Perpetual Spin, that he was pursuing a quickie divorce from his wife, freeing him to marry a nun.

When questioned. Mr Morphy refused to name the lucky nun he was eager to wed, explaining that due to nuns living a cloistered life he had as yet been unable to identify a nun who would suit him.

This announcement comes hard on the heels of Thursday night's question time. During which Red Tory Tristrum Total-Hunt criticised the teaching ability of nuns in an exchange with Christina Odious, ex-editor of the Catholic Times and a former pupil of nuns.

Speculation in various newspapers has suggested that Mr Total-Hunt's comments would have an adverse effect on Labour's support amongst Catholics in Scotlandshire. Mr Morphy, however, has denied this had anything to do with his decision to dump his family in order to marry a nun - any nun.

Mr Morphy stated. "I have always had a thing for nuns, right from when I was a wee boy and they used to cane me. For many years, I thought like so many MPs it was the corporal punishment I enjoyed but recently I have come to realise that it's really nuns that do it for me.

"In all honesty, without a word of a lie, I can assure you this is definately not a cynical ploy to try and win back the Catholic vote in Scotlandshire.

""I don't drink. I don't smoke, and I run every day so I really have no bad habits. I am rather hoping this new direction in my life will provide me with one. Ha Ha.

"And, of course, there will be nun of that hanky-panky nonsense. This will be a purely political platonic arrangement."

The Pope refused to comment but an aide (who declined to be named) informed me: "There eez notta enougha levels in de Faustian Hell to a sort outa disa twatte".

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