By Gray V. Trane, our Scotlandshire Correspondent

BBC Chiefs in London have been defending themselves against allegations of profligacy, which have been made by the British Association of Media Production, Operational and Technical Staff, the largest of the television industry trades unions.

The union had complained to BBC bosses that too much money was being spent covering irrelevant regional stories which were of no interest to people outside the regions concerned. They felt that this diverted vital cash from London and the South East, at a time when resources and jobs were under continual threat.

Nimby Southtwat, the BAMPOT chairclown, told BBC Scotlandshire:

"A prime example was a piece on the lunchtime network news today. It seems the Institute For Fiscal Yada-yada had published a report saying that the Scotch would suffer from far too much oil money if they separated, and they would do better to let the English keep it all – purely for their own good, of course.

"Now, nobody south of Berwick is remotely interested in this IFFY report, so it should have gone out unchallenged on BBC Scotlandshire as usual, or perhaps as the centrepiece of Newsnight Scotlandshire with a thoughtful cameo by Brian Wilson followed by a studio debate beween Ruth Davidson and Anas Sarwar, helpfully chaired by Gordon Brewer. That's the correct way to cover such stories.

"However, this went out on the network news! And worse still, the BBC in London decided to send up a 'Scotland Correspondent', who did a 15 second piece directly outside Pacific Quay. And she even brought her own production team up with her.

"Why could someone from the BBC headquarters in Glasgow not have simply stepped 10 yards outside their own front door to read out the same report, and with a local production team to boot? I'm all for maximising work for my London members, but this is just creating jobs in British Airways."

We asked Corporal Dougie Fraser of BBC Scotlandshire for his thoughts, but he just repeated the phrase: "Too much oil! We're doomed! Doomed!".

We had difficulty finding anyone in charge at BBC headquarters in London, so we put Mr Southtwat's concerns to the Controller of subtitles, Lady Zara Unpaid-Intern. She told us:

"If we weah to allow someone from the wegions to delivvah a piece to camewa on the netwuk news, yah, then many of owah viewahs would have exweem difficulty undahstanding their accints, OK, and no-one would take them at all sewiously. Would they deah?

"That is why we pwefeah to wesevve wegional voices for the wegions, and have pwopah BBC accints on the netwuk. So they will delvah theyah wuds cwisply and theyfoah can be cleahly undahstood. OK yah?"

Given his antipathy to all things Scottish, we canvassed the opinion of Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee of Nine Offensive Bastards Hampering the Evolution of an Independent Democratic Scotlandshire. Mr Davidson slavered the following statement:

"Ah cannay unnerstaun the proablem, Hen. Thon IFFY report was only tellin' the truth aboot the oil an' aw that.

"Scoatlandshire is kinnae like some sorry bastirt thit wins pure millions oan a scratchcaird an' then blaws the f---ing loat oan drink an' drugs. Then he funs umsell skint, but he's already gied the fingurs tae his boss, so he's nae joab eether. Kinda like ma big china Joycy. Ye hear aboot it aw the time.

"Better jist tae jist forget aw aboot separashun and let us kerry oan runnin' things fae doon here. Better the gither, ay? Better fur us onywey, hehe. Now, f--k oaf hen, afore ah gie you a doin'!

Leader of Labour's Scotlandshire branch Johann Lamont was, for once, available for comment, but was sadly unintelligible as she appeared to be chewing a wasp.

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