Biblical Dentists for Naw outline the 10 plaques of Splittism

By Pullem Oot, Our Private Dental Care Correspondent

ayes cream vanIn a spectacular intervention in the splittist debate, dental technicians from Labour's Tooth Team have described the 10 plaques that will befall Scotlandshire, should the Bacterium ScotNatPhilia render fUK toothless in the face of Islamist/Irish/Catalan/Isle of Man/Bloody Foreigner terrorism.

Each of these plaques is described, in detail, in Book Two of the Dental Bible, "Exodus From UK Would Be A Fu*king Disaster Says God".

"There will be 10 phases to the retribution of the Lords on those who defy the Lords' will on the supremacy of the Lords" said a lot of Labour Lords, while MP Anas Sarwar commented, "I was a dentist before I became an MP so I know all about causing pain to people, while they're unable to answer back.

"I am very proud of my Scottish roots, and also my American crowns and my English fillings.

"I can tell you that plaque is the enemy of dental health, in exactly the same way that the Tories privatising the NHS is [Ed : Aren't you only supposed to say that in England?] that sugaring the pill of austerity would be. [Ed : Better, but not much.]

"If the Natz unleash the tooth rotting plaque of splittism upon My People, then we will unleash ten times as many plaques upon them, and care nothing for the collateral damage on My People. Let My People Go to fu*k!"

10 plaguesLord George Robertson announced the series of plaques that the Lords would release upon the people of Scotlandshire.

"With the staff at my disposal, I will strike the water of the Clyde, and it will be changed into blood (just like the aftermath of an Orange March). The fish in the Clyde will die, and the river will stink and thus the Glaswegians will not be able to drink its water."

A spokesperson for Scottish Water indicated that killing fish was a criminal offence, and would lead to the good Lord being consigned to the pokey.

"I will plague your whole country with frogs. The Forth will teem with frogs. They will come up into your palace and your bedroom and onto your bed, into the houses of your officials and on your people, and into your ovens. The frogs will go up on you and your people and all your officials."

HM announced that any attempt to introduce reptiles into her palace woul result in the good Lord having various bits of him removed by Royal Command - the loss of his title would be the least of his worries. "There are enough bloody reptiles in the family already", she is alleged to have proclaimed.

"I will tell Anas to stretch out his staff (a horrific prospect, even for Mrs Anas) and strike the dust of Portree. Gnats will descend on man and beast."

A spokesB&B for the Skye Tourist Board said "I think he's a wee bit confused. Most of us are Nats here, and if he means insects, the Sgianach Midge will take on all comers - and win."

At this point, the good Lord became increasingly infuriated that he was not being given the appropriate respect due to a deity. He expostulated -

"OK, you bastirts! I'm going to send you plaques of lice, and flies, and horrid beasties, and boils, and hailstorms, and locusts, and darkness!"

"A spokescloud from the Weather Centre remarked, "So. A normal Scottish summer then? Except for the locusts. That's a new one. The usual invasion of greedy unwanted creatures, gobbling up everything we have is when a Westminster Party has a conference here - and the grouse-shooting season, of course."

"I'll come up there personally! I'll kill the firstborn of every person, dog, cat, cow, horse and flea!"

"Oh Fu*k", said the firstborn of Mohammad Sarwar.


Related Articles

Daily Record : Politics is nothing like pulling teeth, Anas


Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

 
Our Other Biased Articles

complaint

What is all this Rubbish?

Click HERE to find out.