By Uppra Stikk, Our Maternity Correspondent

In shock news, Buckingham Palace has announced that the Countess of Strathearn (known as the Duchess of Cambridge in other places, and Kate Middleton in the tabloids who treat the Royal Family as the Royle Family) is to have another wean, but insiders have told us that the Queen is "bloody furious" about the timing.

The 'Royal Household for No' campaign had assured HM, back in December, that all the preparations for a Royal birth just before Referendum Day were in place. The Royal Menstrual Minstrel had designated 11:43 pm on Xmas Day 2013 to be the optimum moment for Will to come [Ed : Shouldn't there be more in that sentence? Uppra : No.] but failing that, the Countess would attend a Ball in Kirriemuir on Boxing Day.

Unfortunately, neither Will nor the Kirriemuir Ball matched up to expectations. HM was seriously pissed off, having happy memories herself of Kirriemuir's balls. A spokestrew for Baron Mackie of Benshie, of Kirriemuir hastily denied that the oldest living person to have served as a Liberal MP had been THAT Liberal with his favours, although it was possible that he might have been over-energetic with Highland Flings in his youth.

Quite why the wife of the heir to the throne didn't manage to get pregnant until June is a matter of puzzlement. However, 10 Downing Street seemed to be in no doubt. "Kate is a bloody commoner!", a source said. "She doesn't understand that her only role in life is to lie back and think of England. She's only a woman, after all, and she spent some years in Scotlandshire, so should be totally brain dead."

Bliar McDonut, the tip of U-KOK, was unimpressed with the anouncement. "Christ!", he exclaimed (even though Alastair wasn't around at the time), "We were promised a game-changing royal sprog by now. Instead, all we get is Kate spending time in a privatised English hospital, puking her guts out. What a gift for the Natz! OK, I'm sorry for the lass. My Mum not only had morning sickness with me in early pregnancy, but she's become even more sick of me over the years."

Sister 'Catriona McDougall' (real name Belinda Fortecue-Smythe), an undercover MI5 agent in King Edward VII's Hospital, sent a confidential report to her controller in BBC London, which we have seen.

"Posing as a fellow St Andrew's Yah", it reads, "I was quickly able to get inside Kate's guard (which is a bloody sight better than Will seems to have done!) You should be really concerned, for it turns out that she became a Natz sleeper agent when in Fife. Sending her to the University that Salmond attended was really stupid.

"Extra security should be provided to prevent her from making a break for the Scottish border, when her time is due. She wants the brat to be born in Scotlandshire, so that it can become a Scottish citizen after the split."

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