By Darcan Deevyus, Our Criminal Conspiracy Correspondent

"Damn! Another failed tactic", said Bliar McDonut - U-KOK's tip for "Worst Campaign Manager Ever", at a secret strategy meeting in La-Mont's bunker under Greggs.

The "Murphy" tactic of creating fear among the populace of fighting on the footpaths; cataclysmic chaos on the carriageways; pugilism at polling stations; hangings at the hustings and sodomy in the supermarkets, had been thought to be a winner, but deflated like a Michael Winner.

The Scottish Police Federation's warning to the No campaign to "cool it ya bunch of trouble-making bastirts" caused concern among members that they could end up in the pokey.

Murphy explained the dilemma. "We've been operating under the assumption that the Yessers are centrally controlled like our people", he said, "but it seems to be totally different with them. They seem to have minds of their own, and that's bloody dangerous!

"You guys know that I've been wearing my voice box out, shouting at folk around the country, and trying to provoke them into violence, but it didn't work, and we had to create our own violence.

"We've arranged for Farage and the Orange Order to parade around, make arses of themselves, just to create a crisis in law and order that we can use to terrify folk into trusting us. And how do the bloody Natz respond? The bastirts just mount social media campaigns to #ignorefarage and #turnyourback. They seem to think they're fu*king Ghandi!

"Unless there are riots, mayhem, and hopefully a murder or two that we can pin on them, then I'm telling you - we may have lost! Remember, I'm the guy who has been praised in Parliament for being against freedom of speech and for implementing the practices of dictatorships - so i know a thing or two about this!"

In the background, the MI5 observer simply smiled and nodded.

Our award winning Dateline Scotland show covered this issue in depth this week. Well if Tony Blair can win The Philanthropist of the Year title at the GQ Awards then it is only a matter of time before the Dateline Scotland team will manage to win something, good god anything, even a year's supply of adult Pampers would be welcomed.

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