Tory MP defects to Russia

By Archie MacPherson, Our True Red, White and Blue Football Correspondent

tewkesbury mpIn more woe for Prime Minister David Cameron, another Tory MP has defected.

However, Laurence Robertson the Conservative MP for Tewkesbury has defected to Russia.

The Chooksbury MP gained huge plaudits last month when, following England's humiliation in the Brazil World Cup, he tabled a motion in the House of Commons calling for a single UK football team, which would allow Gareth Bales, Denis Law and George Best to play for England.

When it was pointed out that Best had died in 2005 and Law was now 74 years old, Robertson riposted that they would still be better than the "wa*kers we have at the moment", and he was sure that the Scots and Northern Irish would produce another decent player "sometime soon".

"Small countries are Better to join Together with bigger countries, to allow those bigger countries a greater chance of beating other bigger countries", he added. "That's obvious."

However, doubts were raised when Robertson was found to be leaking classified information to Russia via one of their "news agencies" - Ria Novosti.

Dr Con Spirator, Lecturer in Diplomatic Relations at the Auchenshoogle College of Pig Husbandry (and Same-Sex Relationships), said, "I've been studying the tactics of the Russian state in regrowing their Empire, and the role of the World Cup Finals being held in Russia in 2018 have been maassively underrated. The invasion of Eastern Ukraine is simply a matter of adjusting badly drawn borders - rather like an independent Scotland supporting separatist movements in Berwick and Carlisle. After all, lots of people in England already support ceding these territories to Scotland as they talk about rebuilding Hadrian's Wall.

"In modern international affairs, football is a lot more serious than that (as Bill Shankly anticipated 40 years ago). Russia doesn't just want a few extra Russian speaking towns. It wants to contol the entire criminal capitalist world, and few would deny that means controlling London and its Arsenal of economic powers, its Hammers and Spurs to move the world's economy. The strategy has been in place for many years. Just look at the Russian occupation of Chelsea.

"Like this academic institution, Russian policy is based on Pig Husbandry (but not including Same-Sex Relationships). Like a sow who savages and eats her piglets after farrowing, the City of London also eats its young and endangers the species. That's what Russia wants to control, and it has had its stooges in positions of power for years."

crimeaMilitary historian, Trevor Royal, agreed. "The Russians are haunted by the memory of the Crimean War. The willingness of Scottish soldiers to hurl themselves against impossible positions, and to be mowed down in their thousands for no good reason to further the interests of the City of London dominates Russian military thinking.

"Of course, that is the reason that Russia has ensured that it is on the same side as London in every European war since then. That Scots quietly accept nuclear weapons stores close to their largest city, convinces Russia that Scots are still willing to be wiped out in support of London. Russia is convinced that it cannot rule London, and hence the world, unless it detaches Scotlandshire from supporting London rule. Football has given them that opportunity."

FIFA insiders have confirmed that the issue of the UK, not only fielding four teams, but also making up half of the body that sets the rules, with the rest of the world reduced to equality with the UK "really pisses people off", and that if Scotlandshire says it wants to be British, "it can fu*king well BE British, and stop trying to rule the fu*king world, as it did when they ran the Empire for London."

A Russian spokesman smiled broadly, but refused to comment "in line with your great patriotic leader Johann Lament".

Meanwhile, Choobsburgh's ex-MP, Laurence Robertson, said from his Siberian gulag, "But Russia promised that after seizing control of London, they would rename themselves "England", and I'd have had a home team to support at the Finals. It would have been 1966 all over again - especially with another Russian referee."


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