By Loafin Jamm, Our Farinaceous Correspondent

In the latest twist to the independence referendum it has become apparent that even our bread and bread related products are under threat from the separatist menace.

Speaking of the incident, James Kelly MSP droned that “It beggars belief that the splittists are even stooping to the level of emblazoning images of their ‘Dear Leader’ onto the bread products of hard working Scots who don’t want to give up on even having bread; which of course would be the reality in a splittist Scotlandshire.”

Bread related products with the First Ministers face on them began appearing over the weekend and have been causing consternation in the UKOK rank. First to discover the phenomenon was Mags (Banshee) Curran of UKOK Cottage, Ermine View, IllGetMaCoatbridge.

Speaking of the event Mag’s husband noted “Alicsammin; Alicsammin; ALIC-BLOODY-SAMMIN; the only time she’s no bloody harpin oan about bloody Alicsammin is in the morning when she has her crumpet an jam. Now ah dinnie even get THAT peace!”

But offering another viewpoint on the mysterious bread images was Nigel (Highlander) ProudScot; a passionate Yes voter.

"As I’ve said before, I am born in Inverness. I am a passionate Highlander. And I love Scotlandshire. And I will take a stand to break up this United Kingdom. We will end this Union, in the name of Jesus. And this IS a sign from Jesus… that he would say YES… why else would he leave these images of the sacred one on the MOST IMPORTANT meal of the day? So I will break - if it's my own life - I will break up this country with my blood."

But desperate not to be outdone by the splittist ‘bread blessing’ it fell to Johan Lamont to restore normalcy using the keen intellect and eye for detail that elevated her to party leader over the other guy whose name no-one remembers (not even Ed Milliband).

“Eck is not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy. I first suspected that something was up when I visited each of the victims homes and found that they had all recently received parcels from the Alba Rimation Company, an entity which had the interesting motto of ‘All sex-mad? No?’ on a delivery note containing a description of the goods as VNTC Personal.

“Clearly this conundrum could be solved by uncovering the basic riddle at the heart of the deception, that another way of saying the company name would be the ‘Scotlandshire Fissure Company’ (a clear reference to splittism), and that ‘All sex-mad? No?’ was an anagram of none other than my arch nemesis Alex Salmond.

“From these elementary deductions I was able to track down that the initials VNTC referred to the Vermont Novelty Toaster Corporation, a boutique that specialises in toasters that burn images onto bread products. The rest, as we say, is history.”

When asked how she had managed to figure it out, Johann responded: “Once you’ve lived as long as I have… in a bunker under the Greggs bakery on George Square, you get to know a few things about bread.”

Having solved the mystery of the ‘Crumpets for Yes’, Johann Lamont retired to play her violin in the dark recesses of the bunker.

Blair McDougall, U-spokes-KOK for the NO campaign chided the yes campaign for their underhanded tactics and blamed the abusive online Cybernats for also existing in the real world. He commented: "Monstered!"

A spokesbot for ‘Yes Scotland’ mumbled something about “They made those bloody stupid things themselves; what planet are you BBC Scotlandshire types on?!” before being cut off by a ‘technical fault’ in the phone line.

BBC Scotlandshire has been advised that anyone finding a 'Crumpet for Yes' should contact Johann Lamont immediately.

Labour Party members afflicted can resolve the issue by eating the offending item and have been informed that they can have butter today and Jam tomorrow, but no jam today as they had jam yesterday.

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