by Aunty Noes-Best, our BBC London Takeover Correspondent

With only days left to go, and as the Commonwealth games draw to a close, fight fans in the Northern region of Scotlandshire are preparing to watch the 'battle of the century'.

On Tuesday 5th of August at 8 pm, the two heads of the separation debate, First Minister Alec Salmon, and Prime Minister Alistair Darling, will face off against each other for the first time in the campaign. The clash which will be the final contest of the Glasgow 2014 games will take place in the SSE Hydro, scene of the Commonwealth boxing finals, where the ring will be replaced by a huge cage.

Glasgow 2014 is the first time that political debating will be included on the sport programme at a Commonwealth Games. Inside the cage the fighters need strength, skill and speed to outwit their opponent and you can bet the crowd will be roaring themselves hoarse, urging their favourite to land the knockout blow.

Coverage of the contest will be provided by local amateur broadcaster Scotlandshire Television (STV) and will only be available to fans in Scotlandshire as the STV transmitters are too weak to reach the rest of England. However, many people South of the 'border' will be able to catch the action on the STV AyePlayer, but only if they are prepared to stump up a hefty £95 for the privilege.

Pre-fight commentary will begin at 8 pm when host Gary Lineker and guests will tell us what to expect during the fight, while sitting in front of a huge window. Guests will be chosen for their balance and impartiality and will include such well-known and respected pundits as Prof John Curtains (psephologist to the stars), David Cameron, Michael (time on his hands) Gove and the ever popular Nigel Farage.

The fight itself kicks off at 8 pm in front of a carefully hand-picked audience. To ensure the fight is not hijacked by political protests, the colour blue will be banned from the room with only red, white and various shades of ever darker grey being allowed in the crowd. Salmond will fight in the red (Clydeside) corner and Darling in the white (feather) corner.

'Skelper Salmond' has been preparing for the event for most of the last month at a secret training camp in Bannockburn, where he will have been isolated from curries and teacakes. Spies tell me that his fitness levels are up and his fighting ability is truly awesome, but that he may still have some trouble making the weight.

'Darkbrow Darling' has been in hiding for several months and his condition is unknown, but spies tell me he stings like a butterfly and flies like a bee. While his owner, promoter Ian Taylor, insists he will punch above his weight, Darkbrow's ability to take a punch remains in doubt as a pliant media has ensured his fighting experience to date has been limited to shadow boxing.

Match referee Claire Balding told this reporter, "Unless the two opponents are more evenly matched than expected, it could be less a Rumble in the Jungle and more a Rammy wi yer Mammy. But at least we have two English fighters in this final, one from Linlithgow and one from Edinburgh."

The fight will be a 20 round 'Death Match', which will end when one fighter lands a one-liner which causes his opponent to go down for a ten count, or when either calls out, "Help me Rona!" In the absence of a knockout or submission, the winner will be chosen on points by the three impartial judges, George (whiplash) Osborne, Nick (Sorry) Clegg and Danny (the Fanny) Alexander. All three have already sent in their postal vote from their London addresses.

Post-match punditry will be provided from 10 pm in a one-off programme, Tonight @ the Fight, where knowledgeable guests will discuss the folly of separation in front of a live audience and the house band, Blare MacDougall and his Tuba Chums.

Regardless of the outcome, our talented presenters and producers will ensure no nat nastiness is seen or heard and a Great British time is had by all.

Viewers in Scotlandshire will never have their own programmes again.

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