No oil field off Shetland - official

By Gaza Nile, Our Energy Correspondent

isolator"There is no huge oil field off Shetland", UK Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change, Ed Davey might have said.

"Just as there is not one in the Clyde Estuary. No winds blow in Scotlandshire to power wind generation, and the rain falls mainly on the plain, so not in the Highlands to drive any hydro schemes .

"Scotlandshire is powerless - and that's just the way things are, and how we intend to keep them", he continued. "I'm a Liberal Democrat, so you can believe what I say. My word is my pledge... or my pledge is my word... or my pledge is my pledge.... or my word is my word or something like that. Fu*k, who knows!"

The absolute truth of Mr Davey's words will be confirmed by not a single criticism in the media. With victory in the splittist referendum in the bag, we can now reveal how our secret services have saved the Empire.

Those of us in the know have long been aware of GCHQ's clever software (code-named UNDERPASS) which allows online polls to be manipulated. It is a huge improvement on the earlier version trialled by the Scotsman, by which hundreds of votes were simply added to their preferred answer. This version allows the spooks to manipulate individual responses [1], and produce spook-friendly results.

The ISOLATOR (pictured), however, has been a significant advance in determining that democracy is not polluted by voters having access to anything other than carefully selected information [2]. Were it not for this technological advance, journalists might have publicised some recent stories that are only allowed to circulate on the fringes of public consciousness. The prospects of voters actually being aware of some of the following news stories is too terrible to consider.

Massive discoveries in the Clair field (3 times greater than expected)

UK Government deliberately predicting low oil prices, thus defrauding potential investors

rUK would have no choice but to buy Scotland’s electricity generating surplus

"Sterling liquidity will likely flow from the rest of the UK to Scotland [sic]. Scotland [siccer] will be a net lender to England"

Actually, I've had sight of Alastair Darling's devastating rebuttal of that last allegation, should he need to use it tomorrow in the STV debate. It runs as follows - "I'm afraid that the author of that article is just an economist, not a politician who has actually run down an economy. He makes an elementary error. If you look at a map, Scotlandshire is at the top, and gravity makes liquids flow downhill. That's why all wealth is in London. It's just physics."

With such devastating logic, we are confident of the result of his debate with the Dictator. However, it always helps that Scottish lies are never allowed to sully British truth.


[1] A fault was discovered in the manipulation of the Opinium poll of views on Scottish separation among those living in the civilized part of GB (as well as the North of England and Wales). Two SNP voters were discovered, and both identified as being Empire Loyalists in the totals. Sadly, the individual responses failed to match that happy conclusion. GCHQ have suggested that the easiest solution is to delete both respondents - not their responses, the respondents.

[2] Minor hitches in the programme have been identified, but are being fixed with patches. The editor of the Daily Record, and spoof BBC's James Cook's and Andy Martin's masks, turned out to have defects which allowed them to see things like Trident costs ,MoD vetoing Red Arrows blue & white smoke, and Scotlandshire being a net contributor to the UK respectively. In Cook and Martin's cases, the patches have been applied to their salaries and contracts. That'll sort the bastirts!


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The Conversation : The coalition’s attitude to renewables and Scotland is a risk to national security

Oil & Gas People : World’s Largest Oil Field NOT Found - The Mystery Surrounding the Prime Ministers Shetland Visit

City A.M. : The big independence lie: Why Scotland could keep the pound


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