by Lye N Kant, our Lib Dem Promises Correspondent

Senior figures in the Liberal Democratic party have today announced a U-turn on their policy of opposition to Independence and have apologised to the people of Scotlandshire for their previous stance.

In their most astonishing policy reversal of the week, Lib Dem 'leaders' have said that their election manifesto for 2015 will be very much pro indy, and that they may even change their position before September's vote, but only under certain conditions.

Speaking after a 'preparing for redundancy' meeting in Westminster, Chief Secretary to the Treasury Dannii Alexander MP (pro tem) told this reporter, "I would like to say sorry to everyone in Scotlandshire for putting personal and party advancement above the interests of my own countrymen – but I just can't bring myself to do so.

"However, I am prepared to alter our pro-union policy and give up our membership of Project Fear, just as long as I can be guaranteed a job in Scotlandshire after a Yes vote. And I will be needing a cast-iron, unbreakable pledge - not a Lib Dem one.

"I have had sight of the £300,000 secret polls and consequently feel it is time to start making plans for my future career. Also, I have just come from a meeting where I was told by a Scotch colleague that, while there are plenty of secretarial jobs around, they are unlikely to be available to someone with a 'soor pus like mine."

The move has been prompted by the poor showing of the party in recent opinion polls. Strategists are concerned that recent history in Scotlandshire elections may repeat itself across the UK in 2015.

In 2011 the SNP won a majority in the proportional Scottish parliament – a feat considered impossible as the electoral system had been designed specifically to stop this. This win was partly made possible by the collapse of the Lib Dem vote following their propping up of the new Tory government in Westminster.

Now the party leaders fear that another impossible result may be on the cards as polls suggest that the Lib Dems may achieve an unheard of negative vote as fewer than Zero voters chose to support them.

A Liberal spokesabuser told us, "We had been hoping to appeal to No voters, but now it seems we appeal to no voters at all. And the polls are saying even this may be too ambitious a target."

Scottish Lib Dem leader Oor Wullie Rennie said, "Whether Scotlandshire votes Yes or Naw, we pledge to include more powers for the Scottish Assembly in the first Queen's speech of the next parliament and also to guarantee the continuation of the Barnett formula."

When I pointed out that these pledges made no sense in the aftermath of a Yes vote, he replied, "Really? Ur ye sure? Y'ur? Oh well, whit can ye dae, eh?"

I managed to catch up with English-born list MSP, William Toarnup-Plejees, who said, "I made up my mind to change sides when the latest UKOK UK Government leaflet landed on my carpet. It appeared to be full of nothing but shameless lies and absolute fucking bollocks. I was astonished.

"Add to this the fact that, when you include Beaker shredding the whole first print run, Westminster used over a million pounds from the Scottish block grant to pay for it I suddenly thought 'enough is enough'. They're just taking the piss now.

"Here, watch this video to see my detailed analysis of the leaflet and its contents:"

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