Cameron donates HRH Queen Elizabeth to Glasgow City Council

By G I Tract, our Pile of Useless Shite Correspondent

trussellAt a UKOK rally in front of an audience of more than 15 million loyal Scots voters, each of whom had turned up spontaneously, and in the presence of the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh, Prime Minister David Cameron announced today that the Royal Navy's newest warship is to be donated to Glasgow City Council.

The move follows the general disinterest which had greeted the earlier announcement that £500 million would be diverted from the Scottish block grant to fund the refurbishment of the George Square underground bunker complex, which currently houses the headquarters of the Scottish[sic] Labour Party.

The UK's largest warship, which was launched on American Separation Day, will be moved from Rosyth to it's permanent moorings at BBC Scotlandshire's own Pacific Quay where it will be used as a floating foodbank.

Kenny McQuarrel, Director General of BBC Scotlandshire, remarked that while he was suitably proud to have HRH Queen Elizabeth parked outside his office, he was less pleased at the prospect of thousands of Weegie jakeys climbing all over her in search of a handout.

sea lordsThe newly-built carrier will be manned by a crew of 6 Sea Lords, 48 Admirals, 124 Captains, 75 Commanders and a rating - the entire staff of today's Royal Navy.

First Sea Lord Admiral Georgio (sleeps with the fishes) Zabaglioni said the ship was "fit for a Queen", but failed to explain why a fabulously wealthy medieval monarch, with taxpayer subsidies of more than £300 million a year, would need or want to use a foodbank in the first place.

Asked why the 65,000 ton carrier was being repurposed before it is even commissioned, Lord Zabaglioni replied, "We only construct these ships to show the world we still wield a big stick - a stick so big, in fact, that it swings as we walk and knocks painfully against our knees.

"The vessel herself serves no conceivable military purpose in the 21st century, as we can't possibly afford the planes for even one carrier, never mind a pair of them, so we needed to find another use for her immediately.

"Since she was already in Scotlandshire, the obvious requirement was for an enormous foodbank, and where better to site such an amenity than in the very heart of Glasgow, a city which has benefitted from Labour administrations for over half a century and still shows the scars".

sausagesMr Cameron said it was a "very proud day" for Scotlandshire and the UK, while Glasgow City Council leader Gordon Mattesson said he hoped there would be "plenty of tasty smoked sausages on offer".

However, a spokesman for the Scottish Government, Sir Sean Connery, said it was "pointlesh giving a huge warship to Glashgow Shitty Counshil ash they haven't hit a target shinsh they published their Hundred Promishesh".

Addressing the massive audience, the Queen said the "innovative and first class" warship, the largest ever to be built in the UK, ushered in an "exciting new era for the Royal Navy. In sponsoring this new foodbank carrier, One believes the Queen Elizabeth will be a source of inspiration, pride and out-of-date baked beans for us all," she said.

"Sadly, my government has decided to spend many millions of your pounds refurbishing a flat for one of one's grandchildren and has thoughtfully thrown in a nice big helicopter so he can get about more easily.

"Consequently, there is no money left to supply the foodbank carrier with any actual food. However, we will be donating several lovely pictures of one's grandson's wife and new baby for the destitute to regard and admire, so no-one need feel their visit has been wasted".

Her Majesty then pressed a button which caused a large bottle of very fine single Islay malt to be smashed against the ship, causing a number of Scotch onlookers to throw themselves into the Filth of Forth in abject despair.

This naming ceremony, a naval tradition dating back thousands of years, marked the first time in more than 15 years that the Queen has christened a Royal Navy warship. Later, the Queen was heard to remark to Prince Philip that "one hasn't seen a bottle of expensive booze being emptied so quickly since Harry returned from Las Vegas".


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