Alex Salmond to blame for abusive BritNat tweets, say ONS

By Doo Lally, our definately non-political correspondent (and no relation to any famous Labour pigeons)

cybernatsThe Office of National Statistics (ONS) has released a new report in which it proves that ALL abusive messages on Social media are the fault of Alex Salmond, regardless of their content or source.

The authors argue that there are essentially three main types of abusive tweet. The first is known as the natslander and includes any nasty missive or rude infographic from someone who is intending to vote Yes to Scottish separation, or who has met someone intending to vote Yes. As is well known, this is by far the most common type of tweet on the interweb.

Natslanders carry the highest Cybernat Hyperbolic Index of Badness (CHIB) - a scale of nastiness which goes from 1 (anodyne) all the way to 11 (Full Separatist Bastird). These are not only caused by the vanity and smugness of Alex Salmond and his plans for world domination, but are actively co-ordinated by the man himself and his minions. The scandalous behaviour of Campbell (Smokin') Gunn, Salmond's top henchman, proves this to be true.

Britburps are at the other end of the spectrum, normally carrying a CHIB value of only 1 or 2. These include messages of mild condemnation from those supporting our great Union. A family of nations which has been together in lovely harmony since 1690 when King Billy signed the FTP protocol which melded our separate lonely countries into one magnificent and beneficent Greater England, creating the county of Scotlandshire we all love (much more than the Natz do).

It is righteous indignation which is the progenitor of the Britburp. These are spontaneous and natural responses to the SNP's petty and pointless plan to sunder our Union apart. Consequently, it is Salmond again who is to blame for any excesses which may occur. Who could blame these brave soldiers of the right for speaking up against the horrors of splittism, wherever they find it. Some of their finest work has been collected here by the Ashmolean Library.

Finally, mediafarts lie towards the middle of the CHIB scale. These are essential activities carried out by loyal officers the press corps in order to head off Salmond and his vanity project. If a few vile cybernats or misguided lottery winners get caught in the crossfire, well that's Salmond's fault as well.

Tadgers

The CHIB report is released on the same day as another ONS document which tackles a rather more serious subject. Researchers have discovered that, within large sections of the UK population, the length of men's penises have been reducing over time. Over the same period, other regions of the country have seen the opposite effect take place.

3 lionsIn order to collect more accurate data on the phenomenon, the ONS has asked all men with abnormally short or stubby little penises to wear a discrete emblem which can be recognised and recorded by researchers. This should be displayed throughout the next month.

The symbol concerned should consist of one or more elongated cats, stacked in a vertical manner. The number of cats displayed should reflect the number of inches in length of the subject's erect penis.

To make it possible for researchers to spot such subjects at a distance, they are requested to also wear clothing which displays a prominent red cross on a white background.

Subjects with unusually large members should avoid all such clothing, perhaps concentrating on a neutral blue and white or more flamboyant tartan.


Related Articles

Ah Dinnae Ken : Moan McVulpine: Voting Yes could be bad for your marriage A rare example of a CHIB 11 britburp


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