by Prock Tolo-Jist, our Scottish Labour correspondent (he sees a lot of Anas)

Hereditary Labour MP Anas Sarwar has been demoted from Deputy Leader to Bus Boy as Labour rearranges its seating plan for the last 100 days of its campaign against Separation for Scotlandshire.

The Glasgow MP has been given the new job of driving Labour's 'Battle Bus' which will mainly be used to transport professional 'activists' from London to take part in the Unite with Labour campaign, due to the lack of local supporters.

We asked Mr Sarwar why the bus had no windows and he replied, "It's symbolic. We don't want the passengers to see the state of Scotlandshire under the Union in case they begin to question why we should remain part of it. We would rather they concentrate on the view out the front of the bus – the road to London.

"Also, we don't want any Scottish people to spot who is on the bus and start throwing stones or anything."

The demise of the MP's political career seems to have coincided with the sudden resurrection, last week, of the Labour 'Truth' Team, which is Mr Sarwar's pet project. The website, which had been silent since it's original launch last year, suddenly sprung to life on Tuesday, rebranded as "2014 Truth Team".

The web site now contains a list of 20 'truths' which are intended to counter the same number of statements purportedly made by the Yes side, but somehow manages to contain in excess of 100 statements which were either untrue or deeply misleading, and not one which could be honestly described as a truth.

A Labour insider told this channel that the few remaining U-KOK activists were prepared to endorse some of the more ridiculous assertions of Conservative Ministers, such as the bombing of Scottish airports, driving on the right hand side of the road, and the impossibility of a currency union.

He said, however, that the bizarre nonsense contained in the 2014 Truth Team was too much for even the most loyal and ancient SLab supporters to stomach, much less repeat on the doorstep, as they are fed up being laughed at and told to "Piss off".

This absence of any discernible truth is particularly surprising as the 2014 Truth Team consists solely of Anas Sarwar MP and Jackie Baillie MSP. Two more trusted and honest political figures would be hard to find in the Labour Party of Scotlandshire. [CIA ALERT: Our new software has flagged this line with a 97.25% likelihood of being sarcastic.]

Asked by this channel whether he viewed his new position as a demotion or sidelining, Mr Sarwar would only say, "Tickets please. Ding ding! No standing at the back."

'Loss' leader of the Scottish Liberal democrats, Wee Wullie Rennie, said, "If that smarmy wee bastirt Sarwar thinks driving a bus is easier than being a politician, he's talking out his Anas. But, hey. Whit can ye dae, eh?"

Another casualty of Labour's U-KOK reshuffle seems to have been Alistair Darling MP. After several weeks in hiding awaiting the launch of a new book on his role in bankrupting the UK, he was finally spotted last week in a 'public' meeting in Lewis, on a platform shared between Project Fear and the Free Church, where he apparently described how God hates the Scots and so made them uniquely incapable of running their own affairs.

Following President Obama's lukewarm endorsement of the UK, rumour has it that Mr Darling will be offered the job of heading Labour's new diplomatic team to elicit U-KOK endorsements from foreign leaders. This is to be known as project Fear International or PFI, a subject of which the failed former chancellor has considerable experience.

The main winner in the new regime is former Labour Minister John Reid, the retired man's chairchoob, who is the new face of U-KOK in Scotlandshire.

Opponents have described him as a 'British Bulldog' who has been set on the working-class male voters of Scotlandshire to keep them in line. However, supporters deny this saying that comparisons between the small, aggressive, bandy-legged British lapdog and an innocent breed of canine are quite unfair.

In a speech in a Scottish city (to be announced on the day) he will say, "the referendum will not be decided by politicians or activists or campaign groups.

"The crucial decision will be made by the ordinary men and women of this country. These are people who don't stand on platforms, wave banners or make speeches.

"They go about their daily business, unheralded and unsung. They would never dream of chapping a door or delivering a leaflet. They keep their beliefs and their politics completely to themselves.

"I am talking, of course, about those silent millions, the U-KOK activists.

"So, let me make it clear - a vote for Scotland to stay in the UK is a vote to protect Scotland and the welfare of Scottish people. Protect them from whom, you ask – why, from the Scottish people themselves, of course. They must never be allowed to be in charge of anything important. I have personally given 50 years of my life to ensuring they never do."

We asked Mr Reid why he had chosen this time to join the debate.

"HoL is on its HoLs," he stated, "so no expenses are to be had right now. Their Lordships loused early this year, so U-KOK should keep the lunch money going nicely over the Summer recess."

When we asked him to give us his single, most critical reason for voting no to Scottish self-determination he said,

"£300 a day, and tax free at that, for just turning up to enjoy a delicious lunch at the tax-payers expense. Now, tell me, who wouldn't vote to keep a retirement plan like that?"

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Scotlandshire Television News : Former Labour Minister John Reid says voting No is not unpatriotic

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