By Dick Waiver our Nob Orders Spokesprick

In response to a number of questions raised today in the media regarding our cinema adverts, we have released the following statement:

"Our website is a platform for 'unpolished¹' voters in the Referendum to have their say on why they are voting against their own self-determination. As part of our 'research', we contacted the most ill-informed and ignorant voters we could uncover, then amplified and broadcast their many fears and misapprehensions.

We, the Nobs², refer to these poor unfortunates as the 'Fannies³'.

Immediately it became apparent that the concerns of the Fannies were not theirs alone, but were shared by her Majesty's government, from where they had originally been given expression. That those same uncertainties are also held to be true by the mainstream media, and in particular the state broadcaster (along with the other spoof one on the other side of the Clyde), simply reinforces their importance.

Amongst the most frequently expressed of these legitimate terrors were;

• that Scotlandshire could be forced to adopt the Jeellyjar as its currency;
• that only native Gaelic speakers would be considered for civil service or 'government' jobs;
• that Separation would see Scotlandshire dragged off to the frozen Arctic by the one remaining Coastguard tug;
• that Scots would be hemmed incountry by armed border guards and forced to live on deep-fried heather and boiled girders;
• that a Separate Scotlandshire might never gain entry to Eurovision, despite most of its women already sporting beards and many of its men wearing skirts.

The Fannies tell us they are concerned about health and the specialist care services that they have had easy access to in the past. There is uncertainty in their minds about what will happen after Separation. Some of the most deeply ignorant imagine that there is a UK National Health Service which could be broken up by Aliksammin. These Fannies imagine reciprocal agreements may not be in place or even if they are, they are not certain that they will be available to furriners, which all Fannies know they will certainly become. This is one of the Fannies' major concerns and one of the voices in our testimonial films shares this exact point in what has become one of our most popular scares.

The following cinema advert expresses the deeply held fear that the children of Scottish furriners will be left to die if they become ill in a separate Scotlandshire. We made this film, not because we believe this to be true (that would be more ridiculous than a Treasury report on the cost of a new state) but because we felt it may be an effective way of creating more Fannies by 'scaring the shit out' of ordinary voters – a legitimate and common Nob tactic.

As we have now entered the regulated period of the referendum, and since we are fully funded by the taxpayer (through the British government and MI5 in particular), we are now required to be balanced in our broadcasts. This means that, for every piece of unfounded scaremongering bollix we broadcast, we need to provide a coresponding truthful counterpoint.

For this reason we have (grudgingly) produced the following contrapuntal cinema advert:

Unfortunately *cough*, the disgraceful misrepresentations contained in our earlier adverts have led to the banning of all political ads from the majority Scotlandshire's cinemas, meaning this new film will only be shown online. We imagine that this will result in very few viewers actually seeing it, certainly if the visitor numbers on our new website are any sort of guide.

Our research indicates that Scottish voters want more facts. And it is our job to ensure that, if any voters inadvertantly become exposed to facts, the Fannies among them at least will be unable to spot them alongside the torrent of fannyfacts⁴ provided by the Nob Orders campaign.

There is a feeling amongst both of our directors that real debate is being stifled (chiefly by us) and the Vote Nob Orders campaign is a platform for Scottish Fannies to air their views and ask those important questions.

Vote NO, NO, NO to Separation and let the Nobs stay in control of your sad little lives.

You are simply not up to the job of running a country, you Fannies!

1 Unpolished is a PR and marketing term meaning 'utterly gullible'.
2 Nob is short for nobility meaning the elite of UK politics, over 800 of whom have actually been ennobled. Baron Foulksake of Glenfiddich is a classic example of a Nob.
3 Fanny is a colloqial term (or Scotticism) for 'Fan of the Union'.
4 A fannyfact is any assertion which sounds like it could be factual, but is actually just a blatant f*king lie. e.g. "Nob Orders is a genuine grassroots campaign".

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