Further blow to Salmond as U-KOK meetings abandoned

By May de'Tuppagen our Scotch Politics Correspondent

SNP-PlantsaleThe Great British political parties behind the loyal U-KOK campaign, the Caledonian Conservative and Unionists (the funders) and London Labour in Scotlandshire (the scapegoats), have been having a few problems with meetings this week, in yet another serious setback to Alex Salmond's plans to break up Britain.

The party of the hard-working (and fully employed) man had booked rooms in the Thornhill Road community centre in Falkirk, and were about to hold their perfectly legal and legitimate meeting, when they discovered the awful truth.

Under cover of darkness, a bunch of Natz troublemakers had suddenly, and without warning, decided to set up stalls outside the party's chosen meeting rooms, just as they had been doing on this very day for each of the last 14 years.

Not knowing the intentions of the undemocratic thugs, but fearing the worst, the courageous Slabour politicians immediately cancelled their meeting and set about the separatists, letting them know exactly what they thought about this sort of threatening behaviour.

ConnartyBravest of them all was Michael Connartyst MP who "led the attack" on the dangerous SNP ladies who were openly selling bedding plants for party funds, but whom he suspected of planning far worse.

"Youse Cybergrannies are out of control and must be stopped", he told the shocked flower girls. "Who knows what youse might have done if we had failed to scupper your splittist plans. We don't want your pernicious, divisive herbaceous borders here!

"Youse people strive for nothing less than the total destruction of of Great Britain. You want to separate our country into a good bit and a bad bit, as if it was the RBS with a "Good Bank" on the high streets of Scotlandshire and a "Bad Bank" in the City of London.

"Well, as someone who is banking on a good job with the bad bank to augment his meagre MP's pension, I can tell you that that's not how the modern Labour party swings. Besides, with all the flipping expenses I've had to repay, I need the bloody cash. Duckhouse moats don't clean themselves, you know.

"Your 'separation' would see me out of a f*ckin job! Why would anybody want to vote to put me on the dole? And that, Ladies, is why we refer to you as the Seps. Well, that and the fact that you lot are all septuagenarians."

Asked after the confrontation what he thought the protestors had been planning, Mr Connartyst said, "I believe they were planning to rake our bins. I know the bins are nowhere near the community centre, but you can't be too careful where these people are concerned. You read about this sort of thing all the time, after all.

"I'm well aware of what the Seps are capable of, you know. As a Labour MP, I know exactly what's going on. I read the Daily Mail – daily!"

Local separatist councillor David Alexander told this channel, "I have heard of meetings being called off by the threat of demonstrations, but I have never heard of such a pile of pansies being scared by the threat of some little old ladies armed with a bunch of Begonias."

cfs11Meanwhile, adding insult to the SNP's injuries, the youth wing of the Scottish Tory party, Conservative Future Scotland has called off its annual conference due to a lack of ticket sales.

This was all the more surprising as the venue chosen for this ultra cool gig was Teviot Row in Edinburgh, a place which normally boasts a higher young Tory per square meter ratio than any other venue in Scotlandshire - even when there's nothing going on.

That The Tory Youth annual bash could attract no more than a dozen from the thousands of young Tories who visit the venue every day says much for the future of the Conservatives in Scotlandshire.

Disappointed delegates will eventually have their money refunded, as soon as funds allow. It's not that the Tories don't want to refund the fees, it's just that all available cash has been allocated to a new, absolutely genuine grassroots organisation with the following slogan:

"vote NO – vote Nob Orders".

Malcolm Offroad co-Director of Nob Orders told us, "We had also planned a members meeting in Edinburgh but, since both of us were in the office in London that day, we abandoned those plans and went for a nice lunch instead. Courtesy of you lot, donchaknow. Thanks a million, by the way."


Related Articles

The YESNP (Sep bastirds!) : Labour Take Fright At The Sight Of SNP Bedding Plant Sale

Pride's Purge : Scottish Tory Party youth wing cancels annual conference after selling just 12 tickets


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