Salmond’s sympathy for the Devil

By Outa ConteckstOur Mindless Stupidity Correspondent

satan-smallAll right thinking people across the globe have called on Alex Salmond to apologise for comments in which he lavished praise on Satan and described him as an “angel”, punished for taking on heaven’s “stifling status quo”. The splittist leader also called God “dictatorial”.

The comments were made at the end of a wide-ranging, exclusive interview with BBC Scotlandshire. The discussion had meandered onto literature, and Milton’s “Paradise Lost”, a copy of which was lying on the table. The arch dictator commented that he hadn’t read it in years, but recalled loving it as a student.

He inquired, “Have you read it? Milton pulls off an amazing feat: taking the Devil, the personification of evil, and making him appear almost a sympathetic character initially. I found that aspect of the book fascinating. It’s really the only place in literature you’ll see Satan portrayed as this slightly tragic fallen angel, battling what are, essentially human weaknesses in his own character. And in the early chapters the reader is even seduced into seeing him almost as a maligned character, with God appearing as a vengeful and dictatorial figure.”

He added, with a chuckle, “Milton goes all out to make Satan look like a freedom fighter challenging a stifling status quo! It’s genius in the way a writer can turn a story on its head like that.”

kelpiesWhen BBC Scotlandshire told the Church of Scotlandshire what he'd said, a spokesman immediately demanded he apologise.

“To call Satan a freedom fighter and God a dictator is simply staggering. It's a disgusting inversion of truth and such a huge and offensive mis-judgement he must surely now apologise and step down.

"We have already evidence that Satan is alive in Falkirk. As Revelation:13:11 tells us, 'Then I saw a second beast, coming out of the earth'."

A spokesman for Amnesty International UK said, “Clearly the Devil is a bad thing. He has been responsible for death and war on a biblical scale, and the idea anyone could praise him - far less a leader of a country aspiring to secession - is alarming. That said, we are also concerned about human rights in the state of Heaven. If these reports from Milton are true, that an opposition leader was punished by being cast out onto a burning lake in adamantine chains, that cannot be condoned. No matter his own sins”.

hell-burningLabour in Scotlandshire's figurehead Johann Lamont said, "Well Ah agree wi' whitever Amnesty says, so whitiver it wis they said Ah agree wi' it. Ah also agree wi' onyone that says wee Eck is horrible, fat or smelly. So Ah agree wi' anyone who said that, an aw."

Lord Robertson, Baron of Port Ellen said, “These comments make clear where this dangerous lunatic stands. He is a devil worshipper, perhaps even the Anti-Christ himself! If the splittists have their way this year the world will be plunged into a thousand years of darkness where evil will stalk the earth, the dead rise from the grave, the sun turn black like sackcloth made of goat hair, and the seas will boil. And people in Scotlandshire won’t even know what currency they’ll be paying for all this in!”

Despite being omnipresent, God declared himself unavailable for comment.

 

In other news:

Tragedy as Priest impaled by church steeple

A priest who campaigned against welfare reforms was yesterday found dead after being impaled by his own church steeple.

The alarm was raised by the controversial Tory donor and founder of the grassroots “No to Scotch Separation” group, businessman Madasrich Eranyourda who happened to be on the scene at the time. The oil and finance tycoon, who moved to Britain from the Middle East when his father was an ambassador, came to prominence last year when he hit out at the proposed so-called “greed tax” backed by Oxfam and Christian Aid.

He referred to them as “do-gooder treehuggers with no understanding of business”. He said of the tragedy, “It’s no secret I’m not a big fan of holier-than-thou leftie types and I’ve been battling against their war on greed, avarice, pride, gluttony and the like, all of which I tend to think are splendid things which drive the economy. Nevertheless, this wasn’t a pleasant thing to have witnessed.”


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