By Dee Vine, Our Fashion Correspondent

In a carefully coded message at First Ministers Questions, SNP MSP Christina McKelvie warned Johann Lamont that silence on the WMD issue will continue to result in her pissing herself.

Ms McKelvie said:

"Even as the UK Government boasts about spending obscene amounts of money on weapons of mass destruction, Johann Lamont says nothing. Her silence has become completely un-TENA-ble."

Unsurprisingly, none of my male colleagues were alert to the allusion to TENA LADY products.

Stress Incontinence refers to involuntary urine leakage while coughing, sneezing, laughing or preparing to come up against Salmond or Sturgeon at FMQs. While it exhibits as "dribbling" in most situations, at FMQs "gushing" is the preferred medical term.

In an exclusive interview with BBC Scotlandshire, McKelvie explained, "It's difficult for all of us trying not to laugh too hard at Johann and Ruthie's questions, but those two really need to 'get a grip', as they like to say".

"I'm amazed that no one has noticed that MSPs leave the Chamber by climbing the stairs to the back exits. That's because the front benches are awash from the time that the Unionists come in. It's like the old Hampden.

"One of the reasons that the SNP frontbenchers 'stand tall' in debates is because they are standing on boxes to stay out of the pish."

A spokeswoman for TENA Products said, "This seems to be a particularly recent phenomenon, and specifically restricted to the latest intake of Scottish Unionists.

"In other legislatures, like Australia, female legislators have bladders as strong as their political principles. We can only assume that there is a direct correlation between lack of principles and lack of bladder control.

"We have gone back to basics to find a solution for Lamont & Davidson and have developed this prototype."

"While it is a project in progress, we feel that it already matches the quality of the Unionist comments that they spray around the media. Further hosepipe connections are obviously required, and we are awaiting NASA approval of our utilising their direct connectors.

"TENA Products does supply odour restricting facilities for male politicians as well, and we were happy to respond to the appropriately termed "Wee Willie" Rennie. Our advice was "tie a knot in it."

MP Mags Curran explained the considerable difference between Westminster and Holyrood – "When I wis in Hoyrood, I pished masel tryin to argue with the SNP. Noo ah'm in London, ah tak the pish fae the voters."

Mags' colleague, Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Tired and Oudated Talking Association of London Parties' Independence for Scotland Haters, threatened a BBC Scotlandshire researcher thusly:

"Dinnae talk tae me about pish, hen. Ah huv tae listen tae it aw day! Dae youse think it's easy tae spend aw yer time lookin' fur wiys taer kill aff the hopes an aspirashuns ay yer ain folk? Weel, it isnae.

"If ah hud a concience, ah widnae be able tae get tae sleep at night. Look whit it did tae ma big pal Eric. Aw that quisling he hud tae dae pushed hin ower the edge, so he stertit' takin' it oot on passin' Tories. And they're meant tae be oor chinas, these days! Now, f*ck oaf or yer fur a doin."

"Leader" of "Scottish Labour" Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she was in the bogs hand-drying her script after dropping it on the debating chamber floor.

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