Splits in UKOK denied

By Di Visiv, Our Divorce Correspondent

ratsSenior figures in the Better Together campaign for British unity were today forced to deny allegations that there are splits within the campaign.

However there is growing anger and frustration following the insane intervention of a truly idiotic cabinet member who last week told the truth on currency, blowing a carefully honed strategy of bluffing but also double bluffing that it's really Dictator Eck who's bluffing.

"It is a real concern", Secretary of State for Portsmouth and against Scotlandshire Alistair Carmichaelmoore said, "that this boneheaded Tory dolt may have injected some certainty into a campaign which relies on seeding uncertainty. He should be found immediately, taken away in a tumbril and guillotined to death. Along with that other blithering moron who blew the bluff on shipbuilding."

The row comes amid growing concern among many in the campaign to retain our fine union at the pace and momentum the NATZ appear to be setting.

"The key word is appear," a well placed UKOK source told BBC Scotlandshire.

clones"There may well be 'the appearance' of thousands of people on the streets, meetings up and down the country every evening and people shifting to Yes, but it is just that - an appearance. In reality it's all just Cybenats. All of it. All of them are the same handful of Cybernats with different hats and jackets to give the illusion of a thriving campaign. Our problem is that they are well funded. Enormously well funded. Despite being just a tiny band of unemployed obsessives raging at flickering, spittle-flecked computer screens, they are able to outspend the entire UK media and political establishment. And also there are damned Cybernats everywhere now! In the media, on TV, and now it seems there's even one or two in the bloody UK cabinet! Wait! What about BBC Scotlandshire? Are you harbouring Cybernats too?"

We reassured him that of course there are not. And if we found any they'd experience the full range of BBC Scotlandshire torture: the DG would personally administer watersport boarding; our Heid of News and Bias would warm up the anal probe, for his own personal use, before resorting to sleep deprivation techniques such as forcing detainees to watch endless re-runs of Andy Stewart Specials; and finally find themselves against the wall being shot and not with a camera! But by that time our source was busy searching under the sofa and behind curtains mumbling about splittists within being the worst type of splittists.

daggerOne leading Labour figure placed the blame firmly with the Tories, saying, "We believed they would put the union before everything else, as we do. However it now seems some are less committed to the union and more to doing anything they can to damage and diminish Labour. No one could ever have predicted that happening when Labour entered the Better Together coalition with them. If we lose the UK (along with all our expenses and speaking fees) it will all be the Tories fault."

However a Senior Tory retorted, "That's utter nonsense. It was failed Chancellor Alistair Darling who insisted to us that the Scotch would fall into line cowering if we vetoed a currency union outright, despite it being something that would clearly be on the table after a yes vote...I mean off the table. I mean...Well anyway....But then it was Labour who also assured us Scotlandshire only voted SNP as a blip in 2007 and they'd be back with a landslide as Scotlandshire's natural party in 2011. And of course assured us the Scottish parliament, which we sensibly opposed, would kill nationalism stone dead. So whoever listened to them on this is a madman. If we lose the UK (along with nuclear weapons, hard power and all the lucrative back-handers from health corporations) it will be all Labour's fault.

rimmer 7 1Nick Clegg, speaking from Aberdeen, denied there was any rift in the no campaign and suggested they all get together over a coffee, or a team building away day, to propose what further thrilling devolution could be given to Scotlandshire when it votes no. He wants the campaign to be re-branded project ecstatic brilliant sunshine excitement 

BBC Scotlandshire for our own part could not disagree more with the dimwitted little squirt. We believe the Scottish parliament to have been a calamity that should never have been allowed and agree with Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Commiittee for Stopping Pig-ignorant London Inbred Tory Twat Eejits Revealing Strategy that, "Once we get our No vote in 2014, we’ll rip so many powers from those neo-Nats that they might as well meet once a month above a pub, for all they’ll have left to talk about"

People in Scotlandshire need to be made to realise that should they be moronic enough to vote for independence they shall be cast into a dark abyss of economic oblivion and it is not negative to point this out, merely informing the electorate, as is our remit as UK state broadcaster.

However we do call on all the Better Together parties to urgently come together, and put aside the childish and splittist infighting which so endangers our perfect union, the greatest the world has ever seen. It is also time for all the stupid bastards who are unable to fight the campaign as ably as we are to stand aside and shut their ignorant cake holes in order to maintain unity within this campaign.

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