By Dee Vofuk-Hall, our Constitutional Affairs Editor

The Scotlandshire branch of the London Labour party was given sight of its latest devolution proposals today, at the same time as the rest of the country.

The proposals, which were two years in the making, were completely revised last week  by Labour MPs who saw them for the first time and were not even a bit impressed.

The MPs insisted that most of the proposals in the document were removed from the draft and that a special disclaimer was inserted at the beginning instead, just in case Scots were given the impression that new powers were on offer in the event of a no vote in the Referendum on separation.

We believe that all men are created unequal (OK Johann burds too) and Scots are the most unequal of all. They cannot, therefore, be trusted with grown-up things - not even wee ones.

In order to stop the UK from being split up, there are matters Westminster must be allowed to control, otherwise it would serve no purpose. This is our main, nay sole, purpose in creating this proposal.

By coincidence, these are all powers which Scottish people are too stupid to be allowed anywhere within 500 miles of. They include the following:

• Everything to do with money. Except for the bits (like income tax) which could never be used. Anyway, everyone knows Scots are useless with cash.
  
  
• Foreign affairs and defence. The nukes are staying right where they are, and you're paying for them.
  
  
• The Welfare State – pensions and all other benefits, except the ones we are going to give to Labour councils. These help bind the UK together as Scots will never vote to lose them.
  
  
• The constitution. We're not going through that again.

Other issues which the commission (and Cllr Willie Young) has reviewed and decided we should definitely hang on to are:

• Immigration. (We need to prevent skint Scots from fleeing South.)
  
  
• Drugs. (Who would trust the subsidy junkies with this?)
  
  
• Betting, gaming & lotteries. (We don't want any more big winners funding separation.)
  
  
• Broadcasting. (Can you imagine if we didn't control the media? F*ck!)
  
  
• The civil service. (To stop them ever going native again.)
  
  
• Postal votes (Or we'd never win another election.)
  
  
• The Polis. (we're going to need them when the cuts kick in.)
  
  
• Debates. (We will decide when, where and between whom all debates take place. Johann is quite keen on debates, conversations etc. for someone who seldom leaves her bunker.)
  
  
• The internet and social media. (From now on those cybernatz will be banned and Kezia will publish their addresses in the Labour in Scotlandshire house organ, the Daily Mail.)

Commenting on the proposals, “Leader” of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont said, “Christ! Wan has only just saw it. Please allow me time to retreet to the cludgie to read it first.

"None of this pish was written by me, or any of my fellow intelekshuls who served on the commishun and who were cherged with its cree-ay-shun. Let us ignore those members of the commishun who have been, or should have been cherged.

“After aw, the MPs, whose boss I injubitably is, ignored me and the commishun members. There was signifycant pressure to get the fuc*ing thing out, while the budget would cover it up, like a cheep air freshener covers up the stink of shite.

“That’s why I haven’t read much of it yet. Speaking as an Inglish teechur, I did have problems with some of the wurds. As to the numbers, they’ve always just been a total mistery to all of my team.

"Alas, I have to appear on Newsnikt soon, and I'll need to go and get my nickers untwisted."

After her appearance, LaMont commented, “My! Wan did awfy well with that plate of total mince. No one will have noticed that I had to cover up a few miner elements of numptiness.” [Ed: See below.]

We asked Jim 'Spud' Murphy MP to summarise what the proposals means for Scots, and he replied, “It means F*ck off! F*ck off! F*ck off!”.

We got the message. We expect the people of Scotlandshire will too, despite all our best efforts to prevent it.

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