By Lickspittle Gallagher (BA Cantab – failed)

1 November 1695 Bank of Scotland founded by an Act of the Scottish Parliament. A decision which would have bankrupted Scotland, if the generous English taxpayer hadn’t stepped in to save it some 300 years later.

2 November 1975 Queen Elizabeth officially opened an underwater pipeline to bring the first North Sea oil ashore. Scottish oil was completely depleted by 1980, 1990, 2000, 2010, or at least it will be totally fracked before North Britain is allowed to sink back into its usual poverty..

5 November 1688 William of Orange landed in South-West England. While apparently not a Scottish event, it resulted in the glorious Irish battle where King Billy “slew the Papish crew at the Battle o’ Boyne watter. A pail o’ …. Rangers! Rangers!

6 November 1887 Celtic Football Club formally constituted in Calton, Glasgow, to alleviate poverty in Glasgow's East End parishes. Rangers! Rangers!

8 November 2001 Henry McLeish resigned as Scotland's First Minister. McLeish seemed to have credibility when he was overheard describing Scottish Secretary John Reid as "a patronising bastard". When it was discovered that he actually wanted the Scottish Parliament to have real powers, he was quickly ditched.

11 November 1918 Armistice Day - World War I ends on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month. Not that we give a damn about that. What we should really celebrate is the beginning of the war when lots of North Britons were persuaded that they really, really wanted their balls shot off to allow the British Empire to rule the waves, and the blacks, and other inferior bits of humanity for the glory of England.

13 November 1939 The first bombs dropped on British soil in the Second World War fell on the Shetland Islands. Not that that was of any importance. Who cares about a couple of rabbits – unless they are oil owning rabbits – which they weren’t then.

15 November 1715 The "Glasgow Courant", the city's first newspaper, appeared for the first time, while Edinburgh's Great Fire destroyed the High Street, and Parliament Square. A date to be celebrated! It saw the creation of a subservient Scottish media and the physical destruction of the redundant Scottish Parliament.

21 November 1218 Pope Honorius III affirmed the independence of the Catholic Church in Scotland. A really stupid thing to do. Had the North British church remained under the control of the Archbishop of York, then there would have been much less support for the silly notion of Scottish independence, and Greater England would have been created in the 13^th century.

22 November 2001 Jack McConnell becomes First Minister of Scotland. He was the “First Joke” when he came up with the stupid idea that the Scottish Executive should be called a “Government” Self-evidently, North Britons are incapable of governing themselves, and need the benevolent rule of Westminster.

24 November 1942 Comedian and actor Billy Connolly was born. The birth of a great North Briton! Coming from humble origins, he amassed wealth, bought a Highland estate and a kilt, becoming a true North British Tory!

30 November St Andrew’s Day A few deranged North Britons insist on pretending that they have a “national” day. Strangely, a number of significant events also occur on this date.

30 November 1292 John Balliol crowned. Graciously allowed to be governor of “Scotland” by his master Edward of England he went through a primitive “crowning” ceremony by sitting on a drain cover. After his deposition, Edward took the drain cover down to Westminster, and the monarchs of England have been crowned on that bit of a sewer ever since. Only the most rabid of Natz claim that the “Wee Magic Stane” was not the lump of stone that Edward took south, and that it never left North Britain.

30 November 1996 Tories return drain cover to Scotland. Michael Forsyth becomes the official conduit of sewage from Westminster to North Britain.

30 November 1872 World's first international football match between Scotland and England takes place. Scotland sets the pattern for the future, by being unable to score a goal.

Dates on which nothing of any importance to civilised South Britons are omitted. All errors are wholly intentional.

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