A Lesson in Fear: A new horror film by M Knighted Saylieman

A film review by Nick Tate, our Blinking Lies and Flipping Scares Editor

abominable nomanA horror film released today by the U-KOK campaign for Scottish dependence demonstrates how effectively some Scots can be scared into submissiveness, given a diet of unrelenting FUD or Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt. And unrelenting FUD is the cornerstone of the U-KOK message and their +ve case for the Union.

This dramatic new video shows just how effective the Project Fear campaign has been in persuading both Labour councillors and members of Alistair Darling's family alike that Scots, among all the peoples of the world, are uniquely incapable of running their own affairs.

As the film starts we meet our hero, Alistair, in a sandwich shop called the Piece Box. Some might see this as a courageous choice of location given Labour in Scotland's recent history with sandwich outlets, but then compare the bravery of the proprietors as they risk losing half of their potential customer base by allowing their shop front to open a U-KOK movie.

Bravery that is until you realise that, due to its location in Edinburgh's financial district, this particular lunch stop could be the main casualty if the Better Together campaign were to be successful in persuading Standard Life to relocate from Edinburgh by pretending to rule out a currency union.

 

The film opens with a monologue by Alistair who introduces us to the customers of the Piece Box – absolutely none of whom is a hand-picked U-KOK member or supporter – and relates to the viewer what they have been telling him. Apparently, every one of the pre-screened lunch-munchers is concerned that the current frighteningly high levels of uncertainty could lead to – well, uncertainty.

This represents a particularly cunning plot twist as it is the uncertainty to which they refer is caused by the U-KOK campaigns own claims that they will refuse a monetary union. This is FUD at it's very finest.

We are then introduced to Alison, a lady who claims to manage £100,000,000 of depositor's cash as a director of a Credit Union. Frighteningly, not least for those depositors, she seems to be of the opinion that a separate Scotlandshire will not only “lose the pound” but have no government or banks – or at least that the current Scottish banks may become far too “foreign” for comfort. She demands answers and wants to hear them now – not to be forced to read them in some “white paper”.

We then meet Alistair's elder son Daniel, a small business director who worries that we will “lose the pound”. Like his dad, he craves the simple things in life. Notice how he cleverly reflects Dictator Eck's “bluff & bluster” jibe right back at him. His is just the sort of enquiring mind we need in this country. Which among us would not be delighted to pay at least £9,000 a year to educate such a prodigy.

Next up is Elizabeth, a mother who has been scared into thinking that her child will only be normal within the Union. She too has been told Scots will “lose the pound”. “Mothers with young children” is a group with whom U-KOK have been particularly effective in sowing the seeds of terror.

Oddly, her baby seems to be fine with the whole concept of self-determination, just as soon as he's old enough, and off the tit.

AD-oscarFinally, we are introduced to Daniel's younger brother Tom, a student who thinks he will have a tough time getting a job when he graduates, so wants to avoid any change at all costs.

Oddly, as a student at Edinburgh University, he seems to be quite untroubled by the certainty of student fees which will follow a No vote. Perhaps this is because he will have completed his own education by then, saving his Dad from needing to sell one of his flipping houses.

Alistair neatly sums up the plot while suggesting we will be like Greece, gets in a few scary words like uncertainty, instability and “cost us dearly”, before finishing masterfully on the phrase, “we are better and stronger together”. Then fade to white and a pack shot. Perfect.

This is magnificent stuff and secured several nominations in the recentOscars. Best FUD was a certainty. As was best foreign film. But the prize of the evening was Darling's oscar for best distorting actor.

Observant viewers will have noticed that, while delivering perfectly his message of uncertainty, Alistair's barely-functioning vestigial conscience, in sheer desperation at the outrageous calumnations of its owner, somehow manages to convey a second, subliminal message by blinking in Morse code.

The blinking message is as follows: “I am a dishonest scumbag who is selling out my nation to protect my own privileged position. Don't believe a single word that escapes my lying, flipping f*cking face”.


Related Articles

Wikipedia : Alistair Darling

Twitter : David Torrence


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