Tory thinktank is pining for those Dickensian days

By Charity Case our Welfare and Benefits Correspondent

MoggFollowing publication of a recent study from the City of London thinktank, the Organisation for Keeping Yobs Away from Handouts (OKYAH), which proved conclusively that the financial crash was a result of poor people in wheelchairs claiming housing benefit and child allowance, the UK government has decided to take decisive action to ensure the security of Britain's vital financial sector.

Iain Duncan-Smith MP, the UK's Secretary of State for Demonising Poor People and Kicking Away Crutches, welcomed the report and announced a series of measures designed to get to the root of the problem. The Coalition government plans to pilot Britain back to greatness by making sure that disabled people and single parents jolly well buck up their ideas.

In the radical new plan, the Government intends to abolish the stigma attached to disability by abolishing disabled people. In future disability benefits will only be payable to people who can prove that they are clinically brain-dead, everyone else will be classified as "workshy". However some disadvantaged groups will enjoy a bonanza under the new measures, most Conservative politicians are expected to qualify.

Meanwhile plebs who breed will only be allowed a quota of two snotty-nosed brats on benefits. The Conservative led government is keen to reduce the number of children in families which are unlikely to vote for David Cameron, and hopes that by restricting breeding rights in this way the UK can ensure a future for the shallow end of the gene pool which produces Conservative MPs.

A spokesjulian for OKYAH brayed:

"Scientific studies have shown that working class women ovulate whenever they hear the words 'income support', and the sperm counts of hoodies rise when welfare benefits are increased in line with inflation. There's a direct correlation between the rate of child allowance and having a quickie up a back alley when you're tanked up on lager and kebabs. That's a fact. Sebastian, Farquhar and Portia read it on Wikipedia after enjoying a few bottles of Bolly. Such larks!

"And as for so-called disabled people, it's all very well sitting in your wheelchair getting pushed around everywhere, but that's not going to reduce the national deficit. It's just idleness. The term 'disabled people' is political correctness gone mad. We prefer to call them 'lazy oiks'. Frankly some of these people are deeply unattractive to look at, and we think it's better for everyone if they never leave the house."

He added,

"If you want someone to drive you around, then do the decent thing. Become an executive director of a UK investment bank and get a chauffeur - or make sure mummy and daddy are rich, like most of the Cabinet. When you're wealthy, being ugly and insane is characterful and eccentric."

For the Government, Mr Duncan Smith preached:

IDS"Plebs keep popping out sprogs with no regard to the hard pressed Treasury and our national obligation to keep subsidising bankers. In this time of national need, we're all in it together as we make sure that blameless rich people and the Trident renewal programme don't have to suffer the consequences of the economic crisis.

"The poor should be out looking for work, not enjoying themselves with a quick shag after the X-Factor. It's well known amongst members of the Chipping Norton Conservative Club that poor women never get pregnant unintentionally, they only ever do it on purpose to get extra child allowance and a bigger council house.

"So we've decided that if you're on benefits and not managing to cover your basic needs as it is, you'll only be allowed to have two children. If you have more, then you can starve or you can send them off to the workhouse. We won't be paying you any extra. We don't see this as a benefit cut - it should be viewed as the privatisation of uteruses and the empowerment of spermatozoa.

"This is a double victory in the fight to reduce government expenditure. With more babies being sent to workhouses and put up for adoption, the NHS can slash its budget for fertility treatments. Everyone wins."

Mr Duncan-Smith rejected criticisms from organisations campaigning against child poverty, who pointed out that most poor children in the UK live in a family where at least one parent is working. He sneered:

"If they're employed on the minimum wage, they must be shilly-shallying. If they were fully productive for their generous employers they would be too tired to have sex."

"We're putting the Great back into Britain and building the sort of country that Charles Dickens wrote about. There was none of this silly separatist nonsense back in Victorian days. Our return to traditional British values - like the quaint customs of asking for more gruel at the workhouse and cripples begging on streetcorners - is the progressive and modern Britain that Scotlandshire will vote to remain a part of."

A spokesminion for the Labour party condemned the proposals, saying:

"We're angered and disgusted by Conservative attempts to penalise the most vulnerable in society this way because Johann Lamont is currently working on Labour plans to penalise the most vulnerable in society, and the Tories have beat us to it. George Osborne even had the cheek to steal Johann's 'something for nothing' line. She was up all night thinking that up too. Just proves you can't trust Tories.

"It's not like we've ever undone Tory cuts once we got back into power and we don't intend to start now, but it increases our chances of re-election if we make the right noises while in opposition, so I'd just like to say: ooooh, the Tories are really evil aren't they?"

Davidson-DickensianIan Davidson MP, spokesgorilla for Westminster's Subcommittee Telling Outrageous Porkies to Nobble Assertive Tartan Separatists said:

"Dikensian, ya bass? An' whit the f*ck's wrang wi a wee wurkhoos or two, eh. Ma Labour  pals and ma Tory pals wid luv tae bring back that soart ay thing. If youse c*nts ask me fur mair porridge, ah'l gie youse a right f*ckin skelp roond the heid wi a big heavy bag ay expenses, so ah will.

"Some people hink they're due free handouts wi'oot bein electit as a Labour cooncillor or MP furst. Thae durrty nats jist encourages Scots tae hink they're entitled tae decide hings fur thersels. That's the real entitlement kultchur that is.

"Whit dae ye mean A dunno whit kultchur is? A seen wan wanst in a wee gless dish when A wiz at the doactors. Ah'm gaunie kultchur your f*ckin' face ya bastert."

Scotlandshire Labour leader Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she was attending a wasp-chewing competition with Magrit Curran.

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