By Jed Hynite our Science and Technology Correspondent

Scientists at Dumbarton Leisure Centre have issued an apology and retraction after it came to light they were mistaken in their claim that they had also discovered a talking whale like NOC the Beluga, who was taught to reproduce human sounds by American researchers at the National Marine Mammal Foundation in California.

The Dumbarton high-foreheads were thrilled to present their talking whale recordings during the vital cute animal segment of BBC Reporting Scotlandshire last week, taking up a whole 10 minutes of airtime that could have been used to broadcast a condemnation of Alex Salmond or another report into Rangers' tax bill.

But happiness turned to disappointment when the scientists' findings were revealed to be in error. A close examination of the recording by voice analysts at Glasgow Institute of Biology Biomechanics and Earache Reduction discovered that the human sounding noises produced by the marine mammal were in fact stereotypical phrases that had been learned by rote, parrot fashion.

At first the Igors thought they might have accidentally recorded Conservative education minister Michael Govefish, twin brother of Klaus - who went on to find fame as the talking goldfish in the hit US sitcom American Dad. But it didn't take long for the true culprit to emerge, like a Trident submarine rising to the surface at Faslane.

A spokesboffin said:

"Whales are sensitive and highly intelligent creatures capable of producing an unlimited range of vocal responses appropriate to any circumstance. But the signals we recorded were apparently produced by a creature with the sensitivity and understanding of a barrage balloon.

"We should have known there was something wrong when we analysed the data and discovered that the whale kept repeating 'Alex Salmond's a liar, he really, really is', '11,000 jobs depend on Trident', and 'you fuckin tell them Johann', no matter what stimulus we presented.

"Then we discovered it was local MSP Jackie Baillie on an official visit, and realised that the noises we recorded don't represent an intelligent attempt to communicate.

"It was an easy mistake to make, but we'd like to offer our deepest and most sincere apologies to whales everwhere."

Ian Davidson MP, spokesshark for Westminster's notorious Marine Intelligence Network Committee Executive, said:

"Haw, jist kis ye keep repeating yersel disnae mean ye've goat the intelligence ay a haddock. Ah repeat masel aw the time. Ur you cawin' me shrimp-brained? Cummeer an Ah'll lumpfish ye ya prawn."

Scotlandshire Labour leader Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she was vetting piranhas who've applied to stand as Labour councillors.

BBC Scotlandshire understands that the vetting proces, as when applied to dogs, helps to calm the candidates, making them easier to control.

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