By Jakie Burd, Our Completely Impartial News Presenter

Good Evening.

In Misreporting Scotlandshire we bring you our choice of the important stories that we have decided are the key News stories from where we are. If you live in Scotlandshire, but are somewhere else than where we are, they will be of little or no relevance, but you'll get them anyway.

Chinese New Year

Welcoming the Chinese New Year of the Horse being celebrated by his constituents, Chairchoob, Ian Davidson MP, said, "Ah like a guid Chinkie - jist wish there wis wan! Hah, hah. Ah kid oaften eat a horse, an ah probably hiv at Fuk Yew's cairry oot, bit I'd raither eat wan o' the BBC's version!"

Wee Things

In the pretendy wee Parliament, the Natz whined that Johann La-Mont had described issues such as "Trident, the Bedroom Tax, illegal wars and policies to boost childcare and tacklling child poverty" as "wee things".

A spokesbot for Scotlandshire's rightful rulers in Scottish Labour said, "Johann made a slip of the tongue. She is used to slipping her tongue ariound wee things, but that's nothing to do with politics, and her private life is as off limits as her views on policy issues."

It should be stressed that the reference to "small" (the proper English term for the Scottish slang word "wee") has no relevance to an Ian Small who may or not be Head of Public Policy & Corporate Affairs at the other Quay. However, we have no information as to whether Ms La-Mont would consider any of his attributes as being less than satisfying, or just normal for those in Unionist circles.

School debate shows overwhelming support for UK

In Brain Taylor's Big Debate in front of an impartial audience at Strathallen School (fees £28,348.44 per year - plus £48 per hour for Learning Support), only 3 pupils could be found who supported a Yes vote. Chairman of the Bored of Government, Noah M'Votin, said, "I'm proud of the level of education that we provide. For our pupils to be able to describe Pete Wishart as a 'yeswanker' shows significant progress in their linguistic skills."

Contuing our policy of total impartiality in the constitutional debate, the next edition will provide balance. The next location will be at Fettes College (Fees 29,160 per year plus incidental expenses).

Johann La-Mont visits bottling plant

Scotlandshire's rightful First Minister (temporarily in opposition due to a lack of votes) had an exciting morning visiting a bottling plant in Drumchapel Glasgow. She commented, "The site is of great importance to the local and national economy. Without it I would have not displayed the ability to bottle it at FMQs on a regular basis.

"Using their expertise, I'll be able to bottle it even more successfully when I am FM."

Singer accused of murder

In the House of Lords, Lord Steel of Aikenspeech, used parliamentary privilege to accuse singer Eddi Reader of murder. His fellow peers were shocked to learn that she had planned to murder a Robert Burns, not once, but regularly, should Scotlandshire leave the Empire. Wisely, he informed their Lordships that in a separate Scotlandshire, where Scots linguistic purity would be undermined, Scots would face being fed "on a diet of Eddi Reader murdering Burns’s simple melodies."

Several noble Lords had to be revived with copious amounts of brandy following that chilling warning.

Cameron's reliance on Putin "misplaced"

PM David Cameron's appeal to Russian dictator Putin to help fend off the Scottish splittists was severely criticised by Brigadier Fortescue Smythe-Fotherington (Retd) in a devastating attack today.

"Do the PMs not realise?" he demanded in concert with his Spanish colleague, Lieutenant-General Jose Mena Aguado, that all attempts to split the Western Empires are designed to enhance the power of the Russian Empire?", they asked indignantly and incoherently.

"The only way to secure democracy, is to crush these demands for autonomy by subject peoples. We now have definitive evidence that the Daily Mail has been totally wrong in mounting its campaign against the Cybernat army and its leader, the Bathist cult religious fanatic StooCam Bell. While  he openly boasts that these foul denizens of the cybersphere obediently follow his every instructions, the real danger lies elsewhere.

"The inner cadre of revolutionaries are much worse - the "SpetNatz". Directly trained by Moscow Centre, their aim is to create Scotlandshire and Catalonia as centres of insurrection to destroy the power of corporate bosses in London and Madrid.

"Nuke the Russian bastards to create world peace", they declaimed.

JK Rowling sues the Daily Mail

We cannot report the details of Ms Rowling's attack on a national institution, while legal proceedings are underway.

"Whatever faults the Daily Mail may (or more probably does not) have, should not deter the admirably free and unbiased newspapers of the London press from attacking the threats to democracy that the Scots clearly are", said a Conlablibdem spokesthing in the London Assembly. "I've seen the Scottish editions of the Daily Mail, and I really grieve for the pillorying of Kezia Dugsdale that has occurred. However, I have seen accusations that she was formerly known as 'Fifi Le Bonbon' in a previous existence. If true, then she is just another Scot invoking the French alliance against the English, and she should be destroyed.

"'Nuke the Scots bastards' is a commonly held attitude in the clubs and pubs I visit. However, we counsel against such a strategy", said the upright member of Boris's fan club. "The winds are wholly unpredictable at the moment, and might swing southwards."

Shipping Forecast

Finally, the main News story for today. The Met Office have announced a new area for its shipping forecasts. Somerset will be the 32nd area to be named, since their is "no likelihood" of the flooding ever receding. The Head of England's Environment Agency confirmed that they were simply implementing Government policy that decreed that "England is an island".

"This will cut off the Cornish from England", she said, "and losing Devon isn't seen as a problem, since its main export is Buckfast, so we hope to sell the whole county to the Scots after September."

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