By Staned Gusset, Our Media Peein Itsel Correspondent

Spoof broadcaster, BBC in Scotlandshire, has reacted with predictable fury and incompetence to a report about the BBC and STV which, according to BBC and STV News, cannot exist or be of any importance since they, quite properly, didn't mention the non-existent, unimportant but defamatory report by a Dr John Robertson.

Kenny McQuarrel, Director General of BBC Scotlandshire commented, "I'm afraid this is yet more evidence that the spoof channel is run by rank amateurs.

"We too culled our staff, eliminating any potential Nat supporter, but when we 'eliminate' them - it's a permanent condition.

"To have sacked Derek Bateman, but allowed him to continue to communicate with other people and obtain leaked documents from fifth columnists left in situ was insane.

"The offending research would have been completely unknown - except for the millions of people on Twitter, Facebook and reading Newsnet Scotland[shire] (spit!) - had the spoof channel not been so unprofessional as to write a letter to the so-called academic and copy it to his boss.

"Bloody hell! Letters can be seen and copied. Why didn't they just phone up his boss and get him sacked, and the report withdrawn by the University? Any decent media organisation has a stack of embarassing stories about every institution, to be revealed if their bosses don't do as they're told."

I've been privileged to see a copy of the advisory letter sent to his opposite number by our Head of News and Bias, Johnny Bossyman. The key points are :

1. Re-hire Bateman (by kidnapping if necessary) and send him to Ukraine or South Sudan to report on the inevitable violence that happens in any region that dares to split from its masters. Tell each side that he is working for the other side.

2. Get the Principal of the University onto Newsnicht to explain that the "Creative Futures Institute" is actually part of the "Writing Fictional Crap" Faculty, and that Newsnet Scotland[shire] (spit!) deliberately omitted to explain that, because they are a bunch of Natz bastirts.

3. Do what Nixon should have done, and BURN THE FUC*ING TAPES, so that there is no evidence.

4. Set up a special internal security group (I'd suggest calling them "The Plumbers") to stop the leaks. They should also break into Dr Robertson's office to steal his records. If necessary, just burn down the Ayr Campus of the University.

5. Saturate the News with stories that the burning of the Campus was the work of a deranged Nat, and tell the UK Government to pass an Enabling Act to allow the UK to direct the investigations of Police Scotlandshire.

Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Select Committee Representing England's Westminster's Universal Control Under Normal Territorial Sovereignty said, "At's pish. Ma committee luiked at wan o their programmes, an' it wis jist Nat propaganda frae start tae Finnish sauna (they're rare! Nekkit wummin beltin ye wi birch sticks!)"

(Hi Mum! Thought you would like to see what I could have written, based on what I've had access to here. Pity I can't - but maybe in an indy Scotland, I'll be able to tell the truth! Ooops! Pressed the wrong button!)

(Hi Mum, Exciting news! The boss called me in, and I've been promoted to Senior Reporter in South Sudan, with immediate effect! Might be a wee while before I can be in touch again,)

 Related Articles

 Derek Bateman : Breaking News…BBC threatens academic

Newsnet Scotland[shire] (spit!) : Broadcasters favouring No campaign according to new academic study

University of the West of Scotland : Fairness in the First Year?

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