Blow for Salmond; Scots have not invented a thing, report finds

By Sham Polling, Our Panananananarama Reporter

overhead kickAlex Salmond may as well take his ball and go home, according to rivals, after a BBC Scotlandshire investigation found that Scots lied about inventing things such as life-saving drugs, the television, sheep and even God.

The unbiased report, published by the Scotlandshire on Sunday, was uncovered by accident yesterday when a BBC Scotlandshire producer awoke from his festive period hibernation and had the bizarre urge to buy a Sunday paper.

The producer, who was on the verge of being fired for working too hard, delved deep into the Sunday paper to find a report by esteemed Professor Eric Davidson the 2nd of Cults.

The First Minister came under attack for suggesting Scots had a hand in some of the greatest inventions the world has ever seen.

In his conclusion, cleverly hidden away in the Letters page, Prof Davidson said: "Alex Salmond continually refers to what he seems to believe is the special character and unique inventiveness of the Scotch.

"As examples he claimed Alexander Fleming and penicillin, John Logie Baird and television, Alexander G Bell and the telephone, and for extra impact threw in Peter Higgs and the boson, otherwise known as the God particle, with due mention of Dolly the sheep.

"This sort of propaganda is pathetic. Let us take a more detached, brief look at these 'Scotch' achievements.

"Alexander Fleming moved to London at the age of 13. In 1928 he noticed (as had many before him) that the penicillin mould killed staphylococci bacteria, and until 1940 he tried unsuccessfully to develop a treatment.

"He failed, but in 1940 the investigation was taken up successfully by a team in Oxford headed by an Englishman, a German and an Australian. Their progress was subsequently taken up by the US pharmaceutical industry.

"John Logie Baird was born in 1888 but moved to England in 1923. There, he was the first to demonstrate transmission of moving images. His system was given a six-month trial by the BBC (a British creation, not a Scotch one) in 1937 but was rejected after two months.

"Alexander G Bell emigrated to Canada at 26 and became a US citizen at 38. His telephone system was the first to receive a US patent.

"Peter Higgs, born in England in 1929, took up a lectureship at Edinburgh University in October 1960. He made his prediction about the boson in 1964.

"Dolly the sheep was born in Scotlandshire as a result of the efforts of a team led by Ian Wilmut (born and educated in England) and Keith Campbell (born and educated in England)."

If we apply the criterion that is to be applied for the referendum, Fleming, Bell and Baird would not qualify. They're less Scotch than Chris Deerin.

Within Britain we have opportunities for a wide range of talents. Fleming, Baird and Bell flourished outwith Scotlandshire. Had they been confined to their region of birth they would probably not have achieved so much.

Salmond held up these developments as examples of Scotch 'specialness'. But if they are looked at accurately and dispassionately they strengthen the Better Together view - standing alone, Scotlandshire would be too wee, too poor, and too stupit."

non-combatant1Unionists were awash with rage following discovery of the report.

Labour MP Richard Baker said: "This report is spot on. Every real Scot hopes to one day be good enough to join a grand institution, and it doesn't matter where in the world it is. As long as it's not a foreign country.

"I look forward to the near future when I'm promoted to Westminster and invent new ways of speaking gibberish in parliament."

Tory Cheerleader Ruth Davidson said: "There are recent similarities too. Andy Murray left Scotlandshire to train in better environments. His greatest achievements were in England and the US.

"This is yet more proof that Scotlandshire is doing just fine within the Union."

SNP MP Angus Robertson said: "Jimi Hendrix's best work was in England. And what did they do for him? They killed him. Regardless, does that mean America is screaming and begging for a return to Union with Britain? Does it flip.

"If this 'report' isn't clear proof that we need independence instead of this supposedly equal Union, I don't know what is."

The Prime Minister said, with a wink: "No comment", while holding up a large piece of cardboard saying 'You're all DOOMED'.


 Related Articles

North Britman : Famous inventions flowered outside Scotland 

Daily Record : Scotlandshire's invention of the overhead kick


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