By Withered Vine, Our London Hairstyle Correspondent

Remarkably United Kingdom (rUK) Foreign Secretary, William Hague, was allegedly in tears today when he flew north to Glasgow to make a speech, which was then covered as sparsely as his head.

Hague had indepentently seperately chosen to make the trip to practice the role of an rUK Foreign Secretary visiting a foreign Scotlandshire.

This was in defiance of Prime Minister (bald spot now invisible) David Cameron's assertion that splitting was a matter for the Scots alone, and that English Tories should not debate the survival of the UK with the Scots, as that would be a wholly counter-productive action.

As a close friend of William (well, obviously, not THAT close) I advised him to try to fit in with Scots norms on appearance. Regrettably (and disastrously) he declined to take my advice.

Mr Cameron's good judgement was confirmed when Hague's visit was vociferously opposed in Scotlandshire. Mr Hague made the perfectly reasonable point that an rUK of only 60 million people would be reduced to insignificance compared to one of 65 million people.

In justification he said that no one in the world would oppose the use of rape as a tactic of war, if the Scots split off from the Empire.

That should have been the headline news, but the local Tory leader "Babe" Ruth Davidson, chose to tweet that a little known group, called the "Cabernats" were outraged that rape might be downgraded to a hobby.

While no one has previously identified such a group, local sources in Scotlandshire have produced the remakable news that not all supporters of the splittist campaign are under the direct control of Dictator Eck.

It now transpires that there also Greens, Socialists, people belonging to no political party, as well as Labour and Lib-Dem members supporting Scotlandshire being ripped from the Empire.

Scotlandshire turns out to be a much more complex place than we in London have understood. The only consistent truth is that, as in England, Labour and Lib-Dem party leaderships are, fortunately, Tory.

We should not be surprised then to find that there is a group of Highland Games enthusiasts who "toss their cabers" while watching pornographic videos of African women being raped.

Ms Davidson continued, "While I am a real Scot, I'm also very British. I've never found the sight of cross-dressing men clutching the cabers at their groins, and publicly tossing them, anything but disgusting. Only our upper lips should be stiff.

"This kind of behaviour even puzzled me around the back of the bike shed at Buckhaven High School!

"A splittist Scotlandshire could elect such people into power, and make Scotlandshire the world's capital of pornography, in defiance of international standards of decency.

"Obviously, London would not want to share money with such people (can you imagine what traces there would be on banknotes that had circulated among such people?) Even the sexually permissive French would shun such people joining them in the EU. The United Nations would declare a separate Scotlandshire to be an international pariah.

"After a No vote in Septermber, the election of a Conservative Government in the UK next year, and my election as First Minister of Scotlandshire in 2016, I promise to outlaw such depraved practices.

"After the Jacobite Rebellion, tartan and bagpipes were prohibited. My plan is physically to remove from Scotlandshire all cabers, and anything that could be used for such a purpose. Trees, telephone poles and such similar obscene materials will be cut down. Rod Stewart would be well advised to avoid visiting Scotlandshire."

 Related Articles

UK Government : United Kingdom: Stronger and Safer Together

Wings over Scotland[shire] : Vote No or the women and children get it

National Collective : Playing The Spoons On William Hague’s Head

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