The Euro Qualifiers post match report

By Brendan Paisley Our Auld Firm Fitba Correspondent

[Editor: A reoccurrence of a long term blether injury has confined BBC Scotlandshire's Brian Traitor to his sick bed. Please send Big Brian a get well soon message if you can find the comment facility on his blog. In the meantime we've found a replacement to write this week's column.]

goalEuro 2014 qualifier action had the fans anticipating a pressure cooker of a match.

Wee Eck, the player coach of Salmond's Separatists, carelessly managed to lose two players when one of the ball boys exchanged the half time oranges for lemons.

Even after a fans' ballot the players complained the lemons were giving them a bad case of the inside rights. But Wee Eck kept his job when both defenders proclaimed they were still willing to play for the jersey on a free agent basis.

Key players for Union Disunited have still to declare a preference for lemons or oranges.

Bad boy Martin should have been yellow carded for his abusive language to other players but the referee believed his liar liar pants on fire excuses. He was pulled from the action as Unionist United changed to a novel formation where all the players were playing on the right of the park.

Star striker Sturgeon has been struggling to get a decent kick about all week. During a late night training session she was presented with a ball that kept deflating every time she tried to take a shot. Equipment supplier Brewer's Baw & Bag told BBC Scotlandshire:

"This type of kit failure is actually quite common. You'll certainly be seeing far more of it in the future."

Up and coming left winger Jamie Boy Hepburn was brought on to replace Sturgeon but referee 'brillo heid' Neil blew the half time whistle just as he swung back to score a goal that would have seen Wee Eck's side taking a half time lead.

The crowd then turned on the referee and his assistants by chanting: "Who's the bastards in the black... a parcel o' rogues in the black!"

AP Scottish PiesMidfield bruiser Hacker Baillie didn't make it out in the second half after buying and consuming a load of dodgy second hand pies supplied by Salmond's Independent Traders

Commenting to BBC Scotlandshire, Hacker Baillie said: "Those jam tomorrow pies, they're far too rich for my little belly. I'm more of a yesterday's mutton girl myself!"

Union striker Joe Lamont took his only chance of the match, a sitter in front of an open goal, but somehow managed to corkscrew the ball out of the park. The nasty whining sound that accompanied the missed goal may have been caused by the spinning of the ball, but opinions differ on this. Fans blamed Lamont's poor form on his having spent most of the summer on the bench.

Union United's head baw boy got a game when it was discovered not enough of the players were fit to take up a position on the field. Unfortunately Rood Davidson had been reading up on American football thinking it was the same as the game played in Scotland.

One thing is for sure, he has truly perfected the fumble and the turnover. The one saving grace was the welcome development of a new cheerleading squad made up from Murdur Fraser and Auntie Annabel. Murdur was overheard to say, "If I could just get a bit closer or find a longer knife!"

Even with the ongoing player selection crisis Wullie Runnie once again found himself passed over for an outing on the field of play. Interviewed after the match he said: "Another game stuck oan the bench. Suppose it's better than ma usual oan goals. But hey, whit can you do, eh?"

Meanwhile elsewhere Westminster Warriors were debating if they should opt out of the Euro matches in the future. Dougie Carswell, President of Unionist Eurosceptic Fascists and Arses told BBC Scotlandshire: "The bloody Johnny foreigners are ruining the beautiful English game!"

Davidson7After the match, Chairchoob of the Westminster Scottish Affairs committee on Westminster Eejits Echoing Tories' Outrageous Lies on an Independent, Egalitarian Scotland, labour's Ian Davidson MP said:

"Thon wis a shockin' performance by Disunited. Lamont should be put oan the transfer market fur missin' that sitter in the first hauf. He's just no up tae the joab!

"There wur a few nice attempts tae cow the legs fae under Salmond, mind yae. As ah eywise say, if ye cannay get tae the baw, then play the man. But they'll need tae get a wee bit closer tae the c*nt than they did, particularly wi that wee Sturgeon aye just behind him in the boax. Davison wis jist a joke the day.

"Disunited is gonnae huv tae dae better than that if they want tae progress in the tournament. Their strikers wur useless an' they huvnae goat a defence a taw. Even the midfield keeps giein' away the baw fur nae f*ckin' reason. This is a knockoot competition, remember. There's nae second prize fur the losers."

Joe Lamont was unavailable for comment after running away home with the ball.


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