By Huvva Feel, Our Cooperative Correspondent

Chairchoob of the Committee Of Conservative Kleptomaniacs, Ian Davidson MP, gathered his flock of Parliamentarians from Scotlandshire [1] to condemn the splittist propaganda that Scotmid customers are being forced to buy.

"Abody kens, that aw the Natz get orgasmic aboot ony Braveheart references", he crlucked. "That's why we spik aboot it aw the time an' they nivver mention it at aw. Bit it's awfae crude tae use 'farm lay' as a slogan. Ma' London agency provides great city lays - bit they guarantee that there's nae chance o' eggs bein' activated. They're a bitty mair expensive, bit 'ats why Ah need the extra cash frae the Co-op."

Barren Ffoulkes (former Brahms and Liszt MSP) demanded to know why there had been no debate in the House of Lords about this threat to British unity. "As a long term beneficiary of Cooperative Party funding, I've always known that it's just a clever way of funding the British Labour Party, however I've always had my doubts about these Scotmid bastirts. They boast about it being Scotland's largest 'independent' co-operative, and that's dangerous talk. Real cooperation is based on being told what to do from those in England that know better, not pretending that you can be 'independent' and still cooperate with others internationally.

"Not only did they refuse to be incorporated into the Manchester Co-op, but they have dared to expand south of the border and sieze control of the Penrith Co-op. That's clearly typical of Dictator Eck's imperial ambitions to seize control of those parts of northern England with strong insurgent elements opposed to London (or Manchester) rule.

"How much do they charge for champagne?"

Labour blogger, Ian Smart, tweeted his thoughts to the attack. "Scotmid?  Boiled eggs - Constipation Use suppository Use them all the time, constipated or not. Increase my shite output. Been commented on."

Market analyst, Dr Coontyer Change, said that politics had been replaced by product branding. "In modern society", he said, "and reluctantly, I have to include Scotlandshire in that description, product placement is all that matters. As a marketing strategy, Salmond has pulled off a masterstroke here, by placing a Braveheart reference on the packaging of an everyday product. I've advised Alastair Darling to follow a similar course of action.

"Obvious placements would be to ensure that the U-KOK logo is printed on all condoms sold in Scotlandshire, and for whisky and soda to be placed side by side on supermarket shelves under the label 'Better Together'."

A Scotmid spokeshen responded, "It was a joke. Braveheart was a big laugh, and the only people who think it carries any significance are those who don't understand the Scots. Are we really helping to fund these idiots? We might need to change our policy on that."

[1] The Scotlandshire Parliamentarians who are funded by the Co-operative Group (despite the Manchester based Co-op not paying out any 'divvi' to members this year) are Ian Davidson MP; Gemma Doyle MP; Tom Greatrex MP; Cathy Jamieson MP; Mark Lazarowicz MP; Claudia Beamish MSP; Kezia Dugdale MSP; James Kelly MSP; Johann Lamont MSP; Thomas McLaughlin McAvoy, Baron McAvoy; John Francis McFall, Baron McFall of Alcluith; Lewis George Moonie, Baron Moonie; George Foulkes, Baron Foulkes of Cumnock.

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