Secret ScoLibDum conference agenda leaked.

By Nat Butcher our Political Correspondent

mooreToday Dunfermline witnessed one of the best-attended political shindigs in modern Scottish memory, the Annual Conference of the Scottish Liberal Democ-rats.

More than 2500 delegates and guests thronged the city, eclipsing even the remarkable SNP conference held last week in Perth. The @ScoLimDimCon was also superior to the @ScoNatCeilidh as it was skilfully completed in a single afternoon, rather than being tediously dragged out over four days.

Even a pre-dawn attack by a group of seldom-showered Bravehearts, who callously planted incendiary saltires all over the venue, without a thought for the sensibilities of old-style Liberals who may still be members of the party. These dinosaurs of the movement may retain some form of vestigial conscience, and could be highly embarrassed by the cruel taunts of the separatists.

The separatist shirkers (pictured) had originally invaded the perimeter of the ScoLibDumCon church hall around 2 am, deploying a number of saltire devices. MI5 sources confirmed that members of two proscribed (not to say smelly) organisations, CyBOS and SMNT, were present in the crowd.

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The offending banners were soon removed by brave security forces, who swept the area making it safe again for Scottish cringers to pass through with no saltires to sadden their eye.

However, the splittist agitators returned at 7 am, while delegates were still enjoying their high fibre cereals, and deployed several newly purchased St. Andrews crossfire flags in strategically chosen points around the conference, undoing the sterling work of our brave boys in ninja black.

Several innocent members of the huge crowd of unionist revellers were then accosted by the marauding natz, who assaulted them in the hand region with ballistic leaflets of a radical nature. These unfortunates included upstanding pillars of the Westminster expense community such as Mickey Moore and Dannii Alexander, who both had much more important things to do.

DonnieA courageous LibDum Naw campaigner, Donnie "Dinnae" West-Lothianquestion, councillor for the East Nuke of Fife, tried to reason with the mob by putting his positive case for the union. "I've got a family bathed in English roots. My mother was English, she lived in London and endured the Blitz," he stated. The rebels, however, as is typical of their kind, seemed unimpressed by the unassailable logic of his case.

Another delegate was pestered to answer a ridiculous question by the band of louts, "How would the ScoLibDums go about delivering Home Rule?" The handsome and well attired delegate answered clearly and patiently, "I'd like to see Alex Salmond and his Chinese buddies deliver independence!," before running off. Again, the louts were unimpressed.

Finally, a mature lady with a pretty blue rinse in her nicely-coiffed hair addressed the fracas of independistas, saying, "I'm more Scottish than any of you..... and that's my flag you're flying!," gesturing towards one of the many saltires. This left the dumfounded target of her well-earned vitriol unable to respond, beyond mumbling an incoherent excuse that he had just purchased the flag that morning.

scooterA (slowly) passing pensioner on a mobility scooter told BBC Scotlandshire that he was expecting ATOS to repossess his scooter any day now. He expressed his intention to vote yes "before they bastirts nick ma wheels." He was later persuaded to change the gearing on the scooter and tow a seditious banner round the streets of Dunfermline (right).

During the period of delegate arrival, a car-horn poll was taken by YouGuff, which showed a majority in favour of independence of 98% to 2%. There was an impression, however, that the 2% came from morning traffic trying to avoid the population of ScoLibDumCon delegates, many of whom take some time to get going in the morning.

Professor Jock Curtains of Strathclyde University's School of Shitestirring and Scaremongering told BBC Scotlandshire: "The YouGuff poll clearly demonstrates car horns in Dunfermline have been rigged by SNP mechanics."

"My own research has discovered the rogue operators have been putting small saltire stickers on the back of cars to indicate when a vehicle had been fixed to sound for separation. Cars still to be targeted got a GB sticker, a process known in the trade as "getting the Gordon Brown treatment."

Inside the con-ference, Andy Wightman, land reform bookseller, declared the recession was over. He had managed to shift four books inside the hall and the separatists bought two copies when they spotted the words, "Who owns Scotland?", written on the cover.

However, in a shock exclusive, BBC Scotlandshire has been given a copy of a document which proves that the @ScoLimDimCon is actually working to a secret agenda, while fooling the public by publishing a completely falsified alternative document.

The true conference agenda is published below, with a link to the official programme beneath.

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Dodgy official conference programme for @ScoLibDumCon


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