A Christmas Caroller - Two more Spirits win Scrooge over

By Fairy NuffOur Pantomime [aka Westminster] Correspondent

nicola ankleScrooge had a restless night. He turned and tossed rythmically (as a batchelor, that was his usual practice), but a series of images of newspaper headlines flashed into his mind.

Strangely, the words of Magnus Gardham and David Maddox seemed more appealing to him than even the thought of Nicola Sturgeon's ankle - an image that he had previously found to concentrate his thoughts to the desired end, and his belief that he could do things by himself, without a partner.

A voice spoke.

"Dirty, wee bugger!" said the Chairchoob of the Select Committee for Soliciting Expensive Christmas Presents Every Sodding Time.

"Come!" ejaculated the Chairchoob. "Come in! and know me better, man", it said in the dulcet tones so well known to female members of his Committee.

"Would that be in the Biblical sense?" Scrooge asked nervously. "While I'm not orientated that way myself, I'm happy for everyone to do their own thing. Which is what I was doing before I was so rudely interrupted", he added peevishly.

fizzylabs"Fear not", said the Chairchoob. "You aren't one of my constituents, nor do you work for my London reclining agency. I am just here to show you how you will be personally better off by sticking with joint ventures with us. Labour constantly wins 'Strictly Come Dancing' because we dance together, not separately. That we also bribe the judges is wholly co-incidental."

An apparition of David Cameron first appeared. "Your Barnett Formula is safe with me", it said. "There are no plans to change it immediately. We will do nothing to cut your pocket money, and you can keep your public NHS with its free prescriptions, your Scottish Water, your free personal care, and all those other goodies that we English taxpayers so generously provide you with. Trust me on that."

Nick Clegg's face appeared through the gloom. "David's right", he said. "Like our pledge on University fees, you can rely on our promises."

The image faded, and the identical form that appeared in its place offered Scrooge a Red Rose, though its petals faded and fell as it moved closer to Westminster. "Remember", Ed said. "The Labour Party was founded by Scots, and we'll never let you down by becoming Tories just to get votes in the South. You are family, and we never knife our brothers in the back."

Next, a London economist sadly shook his head at Scrooge. "There's no value in these oil products that you are claiming a monopoly on. In any case the supply will run out in a couple of years. It's an imaginative commercial concept, though, and we'll take your entire stock off your hands. In exchange we'll give you a 1% share in our Syrup of Figs company. Not that England grows many figs, but the Middle East has ample supplies, and we have plans ..."

His financial plans ruined by this intelligence, Scrooge cried himself to sleep.


 rennie2A chill spread over Scrooge as the Ghosts of Scotlandshire's Future (© U-KOK) pervaded the room, and he woke again.

Images of their portrayal of the splittist future invaded Scrooge's mind. The Five Horsemen of the Apocalypse rode unhindered across the county, spreading Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death in their wake.

"Five Horsemen?" wondered Scrooge. "I only remember Four when I learned about them in Sunday School."

Just then, the Fifth Horseman turned towards Scrooge, showing his evil grinning face.

"Whit kin ye dae? Eh?" it sneered. "Vote tae split, and I'll be yir First Minister for ever! Fares, please! Ding! Ding!"

As Rennie rode off on the No 19 bus from Rosyth to Ballingry, Scrooge screamed, then fell unconscious.


Related Articles

 Charles Dickens : A Christmas Carol Chapter 3, and Chapter 4


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