Cameron hails trip to China as a success for English Tourism and Education

By Eastern PromissOur Oriental Correspondent

london viewIn a trip to China, it has been highlighted by the host country media (which is an extension of the state), that England is an excellent place for education and tourism with the added bonus of seeing some decent football.

This compliment only related to England since everyone knows that when foreigners say 'Britain' they mean England, with further proof of England only connotations indicated by the inclusion of references to decent football teams.

Clearly Scotlandshire does not rank for education or tourism to the Chinese as Scotlandshire wasn't mentioned when referring to Britain (England).

As such we can only assume that it is being the northernmost part of Britain that keeps Chinese goods coming to Scotlandshire - which would otherwise be too small for China to notice.

 A spokesperson for Downing Street said: "We are absolutely delighted that the Chinese still think there is something good about Britain, after all we've spent the last few years transforming the country (England) into a model for Chinese capitalism. In due course, we (or our Labour friends) will do the same for Scotlandshire. The feather bedding of skivers like the Pandas will stop.

"Britain can no longer afford a Welfare State, and our woes have been caused by characters like these. Foreigners living in hugely expensive serviced accommodation paid for by the public because they claim that they are unfit for work in Poundland. Not only that, but they are an unmarried couple living as man and wife. The infrequency of their sexual activity is ample proof of that!

"The taxpayer is not there to pay for them to have the luxury of a subsidy for their Spare Room. Their bamboo allowance will be immediately cut, and ATOS will determine that they are fit for work."

George Osborne immediately announced that since there was a demand from China for these things that market forces dictate an increase in prices. To that end he immediately increased visa costs and restricted numbers to maintain the prestige factor, increased fees to capitalise on the demand and put additional taxes on tourism and football clubs.

When pressed on his decision Osborne noted: "We know that we can make a quick buck by hammering successful industries with tax rises under the guise of a windfall tax... just look at the billions we made off the Scotch by ramping up tax on oil."

A Scottish Government Spokesperson said: "For the love of Mary, Joseph, sweet baby Jesus and the Donkey... doesn’t this chump know that they severely damaged industry investment and retarded long term revenues with their cash grab of oil? Now we can expect education, tourism and football in England to decline. Still... every cloud has a silver lining since, with the reduction in their football standards, we may be able to offload the Old Firm onto the English Championship."

No one from the SNP was willing to talk to BBC Scotlandshire on the Black Hole that would appear in tourism should Scotlandshire split from the UK, preferring instead to direct our reporter to some sort of Nationalist cult (full of saltires, Scottish nicknacks and propaganda posters) called 'Visit Scotland'.

Visit Scotlandshire protested that they were working hard to increase the tourist potential of the region.

"For example", their spokesnumpty said, "we are supporting the Oran Mor pantomime in Glasgow. Not only do we allow them to use lots of very naughty words, but they caricature politicians, as good satire should.

chevalier

"Gideon Osborne, Alex Salmond and Alastair Darling are portrayed as cardboard cutouts. While this may be seen as artistic plagiarism of the National Collective site, which represents our Secretary of State Alastair Crymichaelmoore in that way, Oran Mor has gone further by using the actual Alastair Darling as the cardboard cutout. Sadly, the audience has so far failed to see any difference.

"Only the Tories in London noticed, when Downing St described Darling as 'comatose'. As part of our Workfare agreement, we accepted the ATOS confirmation that he was still fit for work, and required that he accept this work placement. That we can attract tourists from London, in this way, suggests that we can attract even more Chinese, since they are no more foreign than Londoners.

"Our few Tories in the Scotlandshire Parliament are doing their best to help in the endeavour by attracting foreigners by making fun of them. That's a sure fire winner. The French, for example, are expected to flock to Edinburgh to see their hero Maurice Chevalier.

"As we in Visit Scotland say of our tiny Tories - "Thank Heaven, for little girls".


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