By Newt Reno, Our Intergalactic Correspondent

Dr Who fans the world over are demanding answers from the SNP today after it emerged separation for Scotlandshire would have dire consequences for Dr Who and all his fans worldwide.

“The problem is two-fold ,” particle physicist Barry Onn told BBC Scotlandshire. “One is the already well established quantum paradox on the border between England and Scotlandshire, which creates a rift in the space-time continuum and two entirely different realities north and south of the border.”  

This was demonstrated again only this week when new plans for oil were hailed as “a £200 billion bonanza” for the UK. While in Scotlandshire’s alternative universe, oil is a diminishing, volatile, burden which heralds impending doom. The other, the highly respected scientist from the University of Llandudno said, “is the well known phenomena that Scots age faster than the rest of the UK, and in fact anywhere else in the world”.

Scientists postulate that these two paradoxes are in fact connected. “People age faster in Scotlandshire” explained Brian Cox the man who is a popular TV scientist in one universe, but a separatist actor in the other one, “because Scotlandshire is disconnected from normal spacetime.

"Just as the TARDIS appears bigger on the inside than the outside, probably due to existing in a higher dimension Scotlandshire has also been found to be far bigger on the inside than seen from outside, specifically on UK weather maps.”

This spacetime anomaly is particularly bad news for anyone attempting to swim the UK coastine, mistakenly believing Scotlandshire to be in proportion with the rest of the UK.

Alistair Darling, U-KOK head, whose eyebrows are not as big inside as they look from the outside said, “The mix of these two elements is potentially disastrous for fans of Dr Who and many other beloved BBC programmes. The fact that people age faster in Scotlandshire must mean time itself is warped and dilated north of the border.  While currently the union binds us together and smoothes out this spacetime anomaly, separation would widen the rift, meaning people age even faster. This in turn will mean people in Scotlandshire will be viewing episodes of Dr Who before those in other areas of the UK have seen them. As the anomaly widens, they may even end up so far in the future they’re watching such programmes before they’re even made!”

Alistair “Davros” Carmichaelmoore, speaking in his capacity as director and sole member of the “Save Dr Who From the SNPs Time Warp Association” demanded clarity about what all this might mean for fans of the long running series – which first aired 50 years ago this week with William Hartnell as the Doctor. “We would be distraught it if turned out Whovians were able to time travel by simply crossing the border into Scotlandshire. Can the SNP guarantee there would be no leaks from their separate universe into our world, which might allow spoilers to be posted on social media sites for example? They really must come clean on this and we sincerely hope next week’s white paper will answer this question, along with the many others people have.”

At First Minister's Question Time on Thursday,pretendy leaderine of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont pretended to understand the issue by demanding of Alex Salmond, "Will he guarantee this black hole won't be a black hole into which all of Scotlandshire and all that is good is sucked into a black hole? Well, will he?"

BBC Scotlandshire asked Daniel Radcliffe - the latest Doctor Who we contacted in Manchester - for a comment. He said, “Eh? What are you on about? No new regenerated Doctor has even been auditioned for yet. The 50th anniversary Doctor Who programme won't be till next year - the year before your separation referendum thingie. Time travel isn't real, you know.”

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