A fifth of Scotch want Cyberbastard Rev. Stu in charge

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By Nat Hunter, Our Chief Political Correspondent

 

Survey raises concerns over rise of “brainwashing cult”

A nasty undercurrent of darkness and threat to the establishment has been uncovered, thanks to the BBC Scotlandshire/YouGuff survey conducted last week.

People in Scotlandshire were asked for their preference of who should govern the region, which is currently ruled by upstanding MPs and Lords in London.

The results were astonishing.

 Which of the following options would you prefer to govern Scotlandshire?  

  • MSPs 64%
  • Rev Stuart Campbell 20%
  • None of the useless sods 9%
  • Orkney Community Council 6%
  • MPs 1%

An on-going investigation by BBC Scotlandshire, carried out alongside the poll, can reveal the upsetting existence of a so-called ‘Church of Splitology’, led by Cyberbastard “Rev” Stu Campbell. With a cult following said to be in the hundreds of thousands (mainly because each human has around 500 online personas), it has led to a fifth of all real Scots stupidly believing that a man who doesn’t even live in Scotlandshire is capable of governing the region.

A spokeslizard for No 10 said: “We believe that the people who care most about Scotlandshire – the people who live and work in Scotlandshire – are best placed to take the decisions about their futu…oh. Wait. That’s not it.”

“Rev” Campbell, the world's only computer critic who can’t actually start a program to save his life, has magically risen to the fore of Scottish political circles at the exact same time as the Scottish political establishment began telling him to fu*k off. Experts believe this can only be down to witchcraft.

The Splittist Church leader is known for spreading ludicrous propaganda across the online world for Dictator Eck’s Cybernat Army. Instances include promoting the myth that ‘Alex Salmond’ isn’t an option in the 2014 referendum, insisting oil will gain more value as the resource decreases, and spreading shite that the Chinese and Russians are less threatening than space monsters.

Real Scots are being tricked into backing Campbell’s voodoo by clicking on links to his website and then donating money to his cause in return for things like coffee mugs and hoodies to keep warm during winter.

People caught in the middle of the scam have secretly talked to BBC Scotlandshire for a new feature, which would have been published already if it wasn’t for the fact all cash has gone towards the YouGuff poll. But believe us - the victims are lining up to reveal all about Campbell’s dirty secrets.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, voters have given Johann Lamont a massive thumbs-up.

64% of respondents believed MSPs, of which Ms Lamont is a prominent member, have what it takes to govern the region successfully.

Labour in Scotlandshire jumped on the results, declaring them both a vote of confidence and a clean victory for Lamont in the 2016 elections.

Jackie Baillie said: “64% is almost 9 out of 10 people declaring their backing for MSPs like Johann Lamont. It’s an incredible achievement, but after winning Debater of the Year the other week we all knew Johann was on a roll. She is single-handedly transforming how politics is conducted in Holyrood and it’s fascinating to watch.”

Prof John Poultice, the world's only polling expert, explained the measly 1% in favour of MPs running Scotlandshire: “It’s the only obvious answer, the right answer if you will. As happens on television talent shows, many people don’t pick the obvious option, thinking everybody else will. This type of in-depth yet concise analysis is why they pay me the big bucks.”

Poultice continued: “Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to BBC Scotlandshire about that. You give me nothing. I’m not just a gorgeous face that wants on the telly all the time, y’know.”

Orkney Community Councillor Tarnish Sony-Erikkson said: “We literally do not care about any of this. We’re not worried – we will continue to demand, and expect, every iota of space off the North East coast to come under our control in the near future. Some of our research already indicates that will include most of Norway.”

Upon hearing that only 9% of Scotch preferred “none of the useless sods” to govern the region, philosopher Russell Brand said: “Oh come on, you fairies! Folk must realise that disenchantment lies at the meek heart of the establishment and I fink that dragging your pen nib across the ballot box is to encounter all dimensions of the self-delusion of existentiality.

“It's easy to attack pipsqueaks like me - I'm a right twerp, I'm a junkie and a cheeky monkey, I accept it - but that doesn't detract from the incontrovertible fact that politicians like Alex Salmond are mega arseholes.

“Innit.”

 


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