By Carrion Londonsay, Our Liberal Democrat voice in the wilderness.

Alistair Carmichaelmoore, Liberal Democrat Secretary of State for Scotlandshire has launched his campaign to be recognised.

Speaking in Inverness, he said of his choice of location that, "I gave my office only one instruction – it was not going to be in the central belt!"

Initially his office had suggested that London would be appropriate, as it wasn't in Scotlandshire at all, and certainly was only central to the known universe. It would also be much more convenient for him to be in the Commons in time to vote to continue forcing social tenants to move to non-existent smaller houses, or have their benefits cut.

Allegedly, Carmichaelmoore insisted that it wouldn't matter even if he was late back for the vote as the win had been fixed in advance with several Scots Labour MPs agreeing to stay in their taxpayer funded beds that day to ensure Labour would lose.

It was in everyone's interest to ensure the plebs public remained under the cosh to deliver the austerity agenda and allow the private sector to "rescue" the social rented sector sooner rather than later.

He is understood to have laughingly added, "Obviously my Labour predecessor as SoS and the Deputy Leader of SLAB will need to turn up to cast a meaningless vote so that they don't appear to be total arseholes.

"I have asked them not to turn up, though, as if they didn't, that would mean that with only 8.4% of the UK population Scotland would have 23% of Labour's No-Shows.

Thus proving that Scotland punches above its weight in the UK."

In his speech, Carmichaelmoore concentrated on his real opponent, not Alex Salmond but an unnamed Nat councillor from Fife who dared to question his patriotism. "Once you start mixing up politics and patriotism you can quickly get into dangerous territory", he said and proceeded to prove just how dangerous that territory can be.

Flourishing the U-KOK self-description of "the patriotic all-party and non-party campaign", he proved himself to be patriotic in all the important things (especially being a Westminster MP).

"I am proud to be a Scot and come from a family that as far back as we can trace, have always lived in Scotlandshire.

My father is a native Gaelic speaker and as a child and a young adult I competed at local and national Mods.

I was educated in the Scottish state sector and studied Scots Law at the University of Aberdeen and qualified as a solicitor in Scots law. I have held a commission as a Procurator Fiscal Depute – one of the great ancient offices of the Scottish legal system.

Since 2001 I have represented a Scottish constituency in the House of Commons.

I look forward to Hogmanay as much as Christmas Day.

I drink malt whisky and I’m partial to the occasional Tunnocks tea-cake.
What else do I have to do for these people to regard me as a “true” Scot as opposed to being a “supposed” one?" [1]

"The nationalists like to take us right back to 1707 and even further to Bannockburn. Don’t get me wrong – history is important: but our recent history is just as important as the more distant", he continued. We are delighted to see his condemning the "more than 300 years of Union" nonsense, so often stated by our allies and good friends in the Labour and Tory parties.

He allegedly continued, "As Liberals, we need to concentrate on the more modern period of history when Liberals dominated. No one can question that that means the period of Empire. Once the Empire largely disappeared - so did we! Liberals cannot abandon the last vestige of Empire in Scotlandshire, and Wullie Rennie is an appropriate symbol of vestigism. In Cabinet a boy from Colonsay who represents Inverness sits across the table from a boy from Islay who represents Orkney and Shetland. [2] We are listened to, and without the strength of the Scotlandshire economy, we wouldn't be.

"We would be treated as the boys we actually are - too wee, too poor and too stupid to determine how London should continue to dominate our parochial interests. Because of your taxes, we can help London spend them on the really important things. Alas only Trident is actually in Scotlandshire so we are limited as to how much of the burden we can carry, massively burdened as we are by threats such as oil, fishing and whisky. No one needs to tell a Liberal Democrat how destructive whisky can be and no one can tell a party on the skids how dangerous oil can be!"

Carmichaelmoore then handed out a cyclostyled sheet, written by the Good Blare McDougall, containing three questions for the Natz. For some reason, the other 497 questions, previously considered vital, had been omitted.

Editorial Note

[1] Just occasionally, one of our reporters may marginally misquote a politician. However, I have personally checked and double-checked Carmichaelmoore's speech and that quotation is totally accurate.

[2] Yep.He said that sentence too.

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