By John Poultice, The world's only polling analyst

In our latest poll, we asked our readers which of the political supplicants, who have asked us for a zero hours contract to improve their CV, were worthy of our support.

Applications were received from Ian Davidson, Jim Murphy, David Mundell and Michael Moore.

Such questions in polls are always surrogates for people’s opinions on the current political standings of political parties.

I can proudly announce that under the inspirational leadership of Joanne Lamont and Anas Sarwar, Joanne Sarwar, and Anas Lamont, together with Joanne Anas and Lamont Sarwar, Scottish Labour has once again proved to be the dominant political force in Scotlandshire.

A massive 106 (72%) responses were received urging us to employ Davidson or Murphy, some for both, and some many many times.

23 (16%) thought that Mundell would make a useful footstool for Mr Bossyman (as Mundell has long years of service in such a relationship to, well, everybody). That pushes the Tories into second place in political polling.

Only a derisory 18 respondents (12%) considered Michael Moore to be worthy of consideration. Political commentators have, however, suggested that there may have been confusion between him and the current Scotlandshire Secretary of State Alistair Carmichaelmoore, so we have weighted those responses down by half, leaving the Liberal Democrats trailing with only 6% support.

Most notably, not a single vote was received for any splittist politician! Clearly that means that the SNP, Greens, SSP and independents will not get a single vote at the next election!

According to well established practice, the votes of the 839 (85%) who said that “none of the useless bastirts” should grace our halls, or even deck them with holly for the coming festivities, have been totally ignored.

However, in a gracious condescension to those he describes as “the thicko punters that still read our crap”, Mr Bossyman has decided to follow their suggestion, and keep the extra cash for himself.

New Poll Announcement

The Natz "say" that they will publish a White Paper on splitting from the Empire on the 26th November.

It is rumoured that the Dictator is writing this himself, by hand on vellum made from the skins of pure bred albino Highland calves, ritually slaughtered in Scone Palace at daybreak on 13 January (the 800th anniversary of Bruce's expulsion of the English from Perth) by the local Natz MP and MSPs.

We understand from the Chairchoob that he had a vision in which Roseanna Cunningham, Pete Wishart and John Swinney danced naked around an image of Mel Gibson prior to the ritual, so that the skins would be imbued with magical Braveheartism.

There is no more reason to doubt the accuracy of his vision than of anyone else who should have gone to Specsavers.

Please take part in our poll as to the number of pages of lies that Eck's White Parchment will contain.

---

Related Articles

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.