Batter Together making the pastry case for the onion
By Boozy Drizzle, Our Food Science Correspondent
BBC Scotlandshire can exclusively reveal “Big British Bake Off” megastar James Morton has once again agreed to save our glorious Union by becoming “Master Baker to the Order of the Empire Biscuit”.
However, in an unfortunate turn of events, a U-KOK gaming license oversight has resulted in the possibility of his first Project Fear baking shift being served at Her Majesty’s Pleasure.
Loser of last year’s "Big British Bake Off" and all round British pin-up boy James Morton is set to join the U-KOK kitchen team in a bake sale blitz to prove once and for all, without the slightest possibility of inaccuracy, the absolute positive pastry case for the Union or at least keep Blare McDougall happily supplied with baked goods.
Young stud James, who is in his early twenties and the son of spoof BBC in Scotlandshire’s very own Tommy Morton, has become a big hit with the ladies following his appearance on the Great British Bake Off. Many a loyalist granny is looking forward to having their moist muffin buttered by James.
The losing cake in the grand final was described by Mr Morton: "It was a political cake that will have divided Scotlandshire, and which 72% of people would have been in favour of. It had Union Jacks on it as well as the flags of all the other nations of the UK and the Jacks were greater in number than the sum of the other flags. It's was a philosophical cake with a hidden message."
Show judge Mary Berry described it as a perfect example of classic English baking.
BBC Scotlandshire would be interested in hearing from any viewer able to decipher this hidden message. Lacking intellect or even being semi-comatose is not a barrier to responding to this request, indeed it would be of advantage,.
Thankfully the show aired on the same evening as the Scotlandshire football team was being humped by some other regional football team. Who knows how the Cybernats would have reacted to such praise for a cake of the Union if they hadn’t been slitting their wrists following yet another Scotlandshire defeat!
The accident prone baker lists his hobbies as baking savoury sausage snacks and Empire biscuits, waving Union flags and shopping for Fair Isle tank tops (endorsement pending subject to adequate financial remuneration).
Speaking on the BBC Five Live show “Pienaar's Politics” last year, James revealed his indoctrinated passion to bake the positive case for the Union as a part of our campaign to scare the people into voting NO.
Introducing Mr Morton to the Five Live show John Pinnear opened with: “The cakes looked fantastic and James lost!”
When asked by the show’s host if losing the competition was a bit of an omen for the Union Mr Morton stuttered: “Oooohhhh! You’ve just reminded me of all that! I’m sorry.”
Pressed further by the host he was completely convincing with his positive cake case for the Union: “Oh I don’t think so! I think we’ve got a good few years to try to perfect our cakes!”
Proudly Mr Morton steadied himself before moving into true Unionist selling mode with plenty of unfounded opinion backed up by not a single fact, always sticking steadfastly to the falsified recipe classics from the Project Fear cook-the-books cheatsheet.
Mr Morton went on to admit Scots may vote yes if they were to be forty Dundee cakes better off a year. He did not make it clear if forty other cakes, or indeed any other baked goods to the same value, would be available to Scots if the splittists manage to rig the vote in 2014. Yet another questions the splittist need to answer before the people of Scotlandshire can make an informed choice.
At the time his Twitter followers were less than impressed at his politicisation of flour power. Only one follower responded about his radio appearance.
Blare MacDougall, the Heid of U-KOK, enthusiastically welcomed Mr Morton to Project Fear (again): “James is the thinking baker's fondant fancy, he is a nerdy ambassador for chunky knitwear and the Wing-It School of Baking – he’ll fit in well here.”
At the same time as this interview was being carried out, known lunatic Natz blogger the Reverend Stuart Campbell was up to his usual incitement fuelled shit-stirring. He claimed that a simple slip-up of the U-KOK campaign was the greatest crime of the century that should result in the immediate reintroduction of capital punishment.
Mr MacDougall responded angrily: “This known Natz rabble-rouser is simply wrong about us needing a lottery license to operate our simple competition. Loyal citizens of the United Kingdom are able to donate money to Project Fear in return for the chance to win a signed copy of James’ new book.
“To listen to Campbell, you’d think we were Camelot . For goodness sake, we’re not even Winalot!”
A Project Fear insider revealed that Jackie Baillie MSP had demanded to work with Mr Morton, even going so far as to threaten to quit and make up whopping big lies about all of the other board members if she didn’t get her way.
Commenting on her new role, Ms Baillie stated: “Nothing goes out the door unless I’ve personally checked it – not a single sausage roll, not even a roll 'n sausage!”
The real leader of Labour in Scotlandshire, Anas Sarwar MP, kindly supplied us with some of his wisdom: “James is going to really mix up the splittist debate by whisking up new frothy enthusiasm among the supporters of the Union. Better Together is much more than just a “preserve the Union” campaign – we’re also looking to see what flavour of Holyrood jam can be made tomorrow. Just as James is an expert in proving dough, he will prove that Dictator Eck’s arguments are nothing more than stale green brown bread.”
When asked how he felt about this new range of “NAW” branded baked goods, Ian Davidson MP, chairchoob of the Committed Unionist Politicians Campaigning for Austerity, Knighthoods & Empire responded: “Guid to see the wummin folk huv somethin tae dae while us men get oan wae the real wurk aw defeatin Wee Eck’s f*ckin church hall poll.”
After it was pointed out that the new master-baker [Ed - watch your spelling more carefully in the future] was actually a bloke, Mr Davidson quickly recanted: “Aw, right! Naw offtun ya get wan o' them mincin bout the skullery!”
Referring to the defining image of the U-KOK launch event held in June last year, where the media picked up on a splittist protester’s baby boy eagerly eyeing up YES cakes, he further commented: “Can ye believe the separatist c*nts feed sh*te like that tae weans? Add gie social services a bell if a gave a flyin’ f*ck bout the plebs awe Scotlandshire!
“A forced wan aw those AYE cakes doon wance! Burnt goin doon… burnt comin oot! Pure rank it wus - hud me boakin fur a week!”
As the colour returned to his cheeks he finished off the interview with a glint in his eyes:
“The next time a burd affers me AYE cakes she’s fur a doin!”
JoJo La-mont was unavailable for comment as she was too busy washing baking trays in the Project Fear Café kitchen.
[Note from the Editor: You forgot to plug James' new book Boozy. I'll have to hand back my bung now!]
Related Articles
U-KOK: James from the Great British Bake Off on why he’s backing Better Together
Wings Over Scotlandshire: The Law is for Other People
Daily Record: Great British Bake Off star James Morton says he has no plans to quit his medicine degree despite his TV success
Twitter : Account for James Morton
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