Aunty and the Antis: We're Better Together

By The Management

bossymanThe following internal BBC Scotlandshire memorandum has been published on this site in order to convey the channel's heart-felt thanks to those members of the Main Stream Media (that's all of you) who work so hard to keep the spurious arguments of the separatist Natz safely away from the as-yet unsullied minds of the people.

We cannot name you all individually, for you are legion. But to each of you who has spiked a story which was even slightly favourable to Yes or critical of No; to each of you who has cheerfully and uncritically topped-and-tailed a Slab or U-KOK press release; to each of you who has given a story more negative spin than a Higgs Boson, we thank you.

And to those who provide us with our frequent fixes of fear; to those who distort, conflate and lie daily on our behalf; to those prepared to attack and insult their very own country for little more than a lucrative sinecure and a possibility of future Lairddom, we salute you.

With less than a year to go before the greatest risk to our beloved union in three centuries enfolds, we ask only that you keep up your efforts in support of the greatest empire this world has ever seen. For if Scotlandshire awakes, our union cannot survive. And without the Union, our Empire will ultimately wither and die.

Our future is in your hands.

MEMO

From: Johnny Bossyman
          
Head of News and Current bias

To: All Staff

Cc: All MSM

Re: Congratulations, troops, on a great week for good old British broadcasting!

What a week we just had.

It was a week which held many potential perils for our Great British nation. Numerous events occurred which could have derailed our campaign for continued Scottish dependence. Each of these was successfully managed by our friends and ourselves in our usual well co-ordinated manner. And for that I thank you, one and all.

The most dangerous of these was surely the final SNP conference before the referendum on Scottish sunderation. This was always going to be a big one for the Natz as it represents their last chance to get on the telly before the vote itself. With all their positivity and left-leaning policy announcements, there was a huge risk of normally placid and accepting voters beginning to question The Message.

The newspapers bravely played their part as usual, playing down the importance of the conference and criticising every morsel of news which managed somehow to escape the conference hall. For those who are currently sacrificing themselves for the cause, notably the Hootsmon and the 'king Herald, we are most grateful. The loss of your impressive and upstanding organs, while painful, will not be in vain.

Our satirical neighbour across the Clyde, BBC in Scotlandshire, tried to play its part but, somehow weakened in its resolve, allowed somewhat more than the permissible two hours of conference coverage. Even this is dangerously long, given the mere three to four days accorded to each of the UK parties.

Thankfully, with support from several of our own technicians and a little help from the nearby MI5 offices, much of this coverage was carefully made unavailable due to 'technical difficulties'. Those same brave agents also managed to remove all traces of the conference coverage from the ayePlayer and other catchup services, before they could pollute the minds of the electorate of Scotlandshire. Gentlemen, we salute your efforts.

Our friends in Westminster helped out by coming to an arrangement with Ineos to shut down Grangemouth this week, drawing attention from the conference while engendering fear and mistrust in the good yeomen of Scotlandshire. The Unions also played their part, and for this we must thank Ed Miliband for his sterling efforts on our behalf. £150,000,000 in loan guarantees goes a long way when a business is burdened with such shaky finances as Ineos turned out to have.

BBC in Scotlandshire redeemed their earlier mistake by giving Blare McDougall, U-KOK head, a right of reply in the middle of the conference coverage. This may have been a little over generous and raised a few eyebrows, particularly as the Natz were not given a sniff of the same opportunity during the long weeks of SNP-, Indy- and Salmond-bashing we broadcast during the UK party conferences. However, we don't expect to see this little faux-pas referred to outside Cybernal blogs, and they don't count as proper news outlets anyway.

Finally, we have been interviewing every pro-union talking head we could push in front of a camera to make sure The Message got across loud and clear all this week. Before our briefings, most of them would have struggled to find Scotlandshire on a map of Scotlandshire. But, once suitably primed, they were happy to trot out Project fear sound bites as if they had shared a student flat in Glasgow with Anas Sarwar and Mags Curran.

To top it off, even Bateman is staying on message and denying there is any sort of deliberate bias or pro-dependency conspiracy here or across the Clyde. He continues to peddle the line of management incompetence we agreed when he retired. Thank god for Paul Sinclair, the wonderful and inventive (and rather dashing) Slab SPAD who came up with this little wheeze.

So, all in all a wonderful effort by all concerned and a hugely successful exercise in co-ordinated. news management. You should all give yourselves a big BBC hug (but let's try to keep it legal this time) for helping to ensure we all keep our jobs past September next year. Well done!

J. Bossyman (Mr) Well, Mr to most of you, "Yes Sir" to BBC Scotlandshire staff and soon to be Baron Bossyman of Bootin'


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