By Geerum Laldy, Our FUD and Fleg Editor

In his first act as Secretary of State for doing  Scotlandshire down, Alistair Carmichaelmoore MP has condemned the decision by the “lily-livered poltroons” of the Unionist Coalition running Stirling Council not to proceed with replacing the City Saltire, which flies over the council chambers, with a crisp new Union Fleg.

Describing the decision to hoist the Unionist symbol as the only possible choice for a patriotic Scot, Mr Carmichaelmoore demanded that they at least proceed with the SLab/Tory council’s plan to remove all inappropriate symbols from the city, lest residents are inadvertently fooled into mistaking Scotlandshire for a real country.

Mr Carmichaelmoore told BBC Scotlandshire, “Since being appointed to the prestigious and (as I now see) terribly useful post of Secretary of State against Scotlandshire, I have decided to shelve my earlier plans to dispense with the post altogether, along with the whole Scotlandshire Office.

“I now understand that the Scottish Office has changed since the advent of devolution. Before 1999, it was the major arm of the London government in Scotlandshire, and the SoS was the governor general. This was a relationship Westminster knew well after more than 300 years of Imperial rule.

“But when Scotland regained a government of its own, even if we tried to insist it was just an executive until the Natz took it over, the institution cast around for a new purpose. And when it became clear a referendum on separation was a real possibility, it found one.

“The Scotlandshire Office became the fifth column inside the body politic, fighting to prevent Scots from gaining their self determination in any way it could. And even making the people of Scotlandshire pay 10 million a year for the privilege. Sublime irony.

“And thus the position of Secretary of State changed from that of factor to agent provocateur – using the power of the state to spread Fear, Uncertainty and doubt among the people of Scotland. And keep the forever subdued and in their proper place.

“The flea-bitten apologists for the Union that I am ashamed to have to call colleagues showed early promise in devising a strategy to spend half of the Common Good Fund in promoting Armed Forces Day in Stirling, and my Government co-operated by using the Armed Forces in their proper role - as political propagandists for Westminster. They are, however, just councillors, and I intend to use the full majesty of my post as Governor-General to come up with a few wheezes of my own. 

“The statues of Bruce and Wallace will both be taken into protective custody under the reserved powers contained in the Terrorism Act, as they were both Scottish agitators.

"It’s bad enough that the referendum is on the anniversary of Bannockburn, but we don’t need to rub it in.

“Then one of the civil servants suggested that we replace them with images of great British heroes, to raise two fingers at the council’s fleg. In the end we decided on Churchill and Mrs Thatch.

“We had thought about King William of Orange and his earthly disciple Ian Paisley, but decided this might be a little divisive. We even considered a couple of pop stars or artists, but they’re all starting to come out as natz. So Churchill and Maggie it is.

“Throughout 2014, all Stirlingshire pubs will be limited to serving Pimms and Watney’s Red Barrel, and nothing but jellied eels and pie & mash will appear on local menus. Juke boxes will play patriotic hymns like ‘Jerusalem’ and ‘Rule Britannia’ and local radio will be limited to continuous reruns of Radio Scotlandshire’s ‘Call You, Kaye’.

"So watch out, residents of England's most Northerly county. Ally's not so tartan army will soon be coming to your town too. Then you'll all get to see just how 'in your face' and abrasive Westminster can be.

"And if that doesn't guarantee us a No vote next September, then that's ten mil. a year of your very own hard-earned cash down the drain for hee-haw.

"But hey, what can you f**king dae, eh?"

Exclusive Update

Unnamed sources on Twitter have claimed that Stirling's Conservative leader has also been confined to his office under a "protective custody order" to protect him against hordes of marauding Natz.

It is claimed that Scotlandshire's misleadingly named "Justice" Minister personally approved the order which included replacing the councillor's office window with a high security Saltire grille. The photographic evidence is clear.

Related Articles

BBC in Scotlandshire (spoof) : Stirling councillors withdraw 'fly Union flag' motion

Herald : After the backlash: Labour, Tory councillors drop plan to replace Saltire with Union flag

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