Job Applications

By Geeza JoabOur Hiring and Firing Supremo

Following the Cabinet/Shadow Cabinet reshuffles we have received a number of applications for posts at BBC Scotlandshire.

Committed, as we are, to satisfying the demands of our readership (other than those that are illegal or that would require us to become contortionists) we seek your guidance as to which, if any, of these applicants should be offered our generous zero-hours contracts, or Workfare placements.

Candidate 1 - Michael Moore

mickey moore headDear Mr McQuarrel, sir,

Due to a recent change in my circumstances I find myself with a great deal of extra time on my hands. I have oodles of experience in front of the camera and microphone and therefore thought you might find an opening for me with your fantastic organisation.

Until recently I held a prominent position with the U.K. Coalition Government and interfaced regularly with the public through all forms of news media, I think we should perhaps ignore my contact with a prominent Scottish politician as that wasn’t really fair; she kept asking me awkward questions.

That unfortunate episode aside I am hard-working; always happy to toe the party line, regardless of which party owns that line and of course willing to undergo any in-house indoctrination that you may feel is necessary. I do feel that the BBC Scotlandshire has a line in news reporting which I can both respect and add to. As a qualified accountant, I have had vast experience in fiddling the figures and am happy to continue in that vein on your behalf.

Please let me know if you require any further information my details are attached.

Your very, very, very, very, obedient servant,

Michael Moore

p.s. I'm willing to even start at the bottom so to speak, cleaning the tops of the fluorescent lighting units would be a useful task for my ability to spread tall stories.

Candidate 2 - Jim Murphy

murphyHi Kenny,

As you may have noticed, I'm going to have a little more time on my hands now. I contacted U-KOK to see how I could help them, and they suggested working for you would be the most effective way.

I'm not wholly sure why they want me to work for anyone else, other than them, but I presume that's because of my particular expertise in security and defending the indefensible.

Given that this would be my very first proper job, I'd be happy to start at £3.20 an hour. Colleagues have suggested that I am worth that rate. It is, of course, essential that I can present myself as a hard-working middle-class guy who can continue to be representative of the kind of people who live in Newton Mearns. 

I need to learn to interact with real hard-working people, so if you have no current vacancy for a reporter who can tell people how loveable Weapons of Mass Destruction are, maybe a security guard position would be appropriate?

Yours for Britain

Jim

Candidate 3 - Ian Davidson 

chairchoob

Bossyman, ye wee bastirt,

Thon c**t Milliband his missed me oot again! Ah thocht ah wis lined up fir the kin o joab that wid match ma diplomatic talents. Mebbe Furrin Seceratary or Meenister fir Wummen. Bit the snobby git gied me nithin, an Ah hiv tae cairry oan as Chairchoob o' the Select Committee of British Nationalists Under Massive Pressure To Integrate England & Scotlandshire.

Ah cannae afford tae keep hiring London agency lassies oan whit that peys, so ye'll need tae gie me the kinda cash that thon bitch Kaye Adams gets, an the same kinda joab. Ah'm great on Loose Wummen.

Get back tae me by the morn, or ye're in fir a doin as weel.

Chairchoob

 Candidate 4 - David Mundell

mouseDear Mr Bossyman,

Please help me. My new boss MrCarmichaelmoore called me into his imperial suite and was very nasty to me. He said that I was a 'snivelling little worm' who was useless as a defender of the Union. I have to learn how to be abrasive, confrontational, vicious and nasty, especially when I'm totally out of my depth.

I undrstand from Mr Bateman that you have learnt these vital skills when you were promoted beyond your skill level, and are now an accomplished virtuoso in this style.

Can I beseech you that I be allowed to serve as your office-boy in order that I can learn at the feet of the master? I have long experience of running errands for my betters, even when I had no idea of their purpose.

Yours in tears

David Mundell

p.s. I already know you like a little Espresso first thing in the morning to get your motor going - no sugar as you like things bitter.

Polling Update

We have saved a few quid by not bothering to ask Poultice to analyse our latest poll. As we expected, 70% of you thought that BBC London and ourselves were the best exponents of Project Fear. To our loyal supporters, your cheques would have been in the post but, as the Royal Mail has been privatised, we as a public sector organisation can't use it, so we have added the cash to the "Derek Bateman Assassination Fund").


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