By Wate Wotcha, our Celebrity Lifestyle Correspondent

First Minister of Scotlandshire and Holyrood heavyweight Alex Salmond's plans to retain the pounds have been foiled by none other than recently retired head of the Bank of England, Mervyn King, it was revealed today.

A celebrity 'bikini' diet, involving two days of starvation every week, was recommended to Salmond by the bucking fanker - who is coincidentally an expert in Spoonerisms.

Over the past two months, the First Minister has lost almost thirty pounds, in a bizarre parallel to his best day at Ayr races this year when he won a similar amount on an each-way bet called devo-max. He has also lost two collar sizes but so far managed to retain his shirt.

Leading Conservatives have questioned why the ex-Governor of the BoE has been having cosy chats with the arch-splittist at all, never mind passing on advice which could improve his health and longevity. One MP even claimed that this was tantamount to pre-negotiation, which would imply the possibility of a Yes vote in next year's separation referendum, an act which carries a minimum term of 5 years in the Tower of London.

According to Quentin Freelunch MP (Con), "If they are having meetings shouldn't they be about how Scotlandshire can't have the pound and how the BoE will do nothing remotely to help. And as such, shouldn't they be very short and angry talks? What on earth is the BoE doing already giving advice to the enemy? And on diets FFS?"

Since leaving his post in the Bank, Lard King considered joining his half-brother Don in the boxing promotion game, a sensible idea as both are notorious gonks. However, it has emerged that Mr. King has now accepted the role of deflation advisor on the First Minister's finance council. So far, he has advised that all Scots will be required to fast several times a week post-cleavage as a measure to help stretch dwindling food supplies.

In an interview with this correspondent, Lard King said, "It will be ironic indeed if, in 2016, Alex wins slimmer of the year while the population of Scotlandshire is reduced to eating grass."

Labour's Ian Davidson MP, chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee on Scots Liking Independence Much More than English Rule, Sadly told this channel, "Ah wus a wee bit worried when oor Jo-hann disappeared fur the Summer again, but noo wee Eck seems tae be disappearing a bit at a time. Soon there'll be nuthin' ay um left but a wee smug grin and an empty pair ay tartan troos."

Meanwhile, commentators on the separatist-leaning organ, the Hootsmon, have been predicting that Dictator Eck's weight loss will be short lived as he will be forced to gorge himself on huge slices of humble pie post 2014.

Personally, we can't wait.

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