By Pandrop Suker, Our Religious Correspondent

Blare McDougall, project director of Project Fear, has welcomed the decision by statisticians from London and Edinburgh to publish a 'Bible' of accurate information about the strength of the UK and the pitiful weaknesses of Scotlandshire.

In a guest article for the cult magazine "Theocracy Now!", McDougall wrote, "This is great news, in fact it's the Good News that we have been preaching for ages.

"The Bible, of course, is composed of many books. Only one of them is called Numbers, and that's where the statistical guff will be put, in the hope that no one actually reads it. The important decisions to be made as to which other books to include in this New English Bible.

"Obviously, the first volume must start with the Creation Myth, followed by the history of God's Chosen People. Fortunately, we have the services of a wholly unbiased expert to write this.

Dr David Starkey said he was delighted to have been asked to rewrite history. "There has been a disturbing tendency in recent years to use misleading things like 'evidence'. History is written by the victors, and the Scotch are simply losers. I intend to go back to the real sources like Geoffrey of Monmouth who tells us that all people in Britain are descended from the Trojans, so we are actually all one people, though some of us are, of course, superior to others. The Scots story, that they are descended from an Egyptian princess, Scota, who married a Greek is obvious nonsense. Pretending that they are descended from the Greeks, who had defeated the Trojans, is just attempted one-upmanship from losers."

The second volume will take the story on with the career of our Saviour (including the doubts some have as to whether that should be Churchill or Thatcher). After including lots of letters from Paul [Sinclair], Joanne La-Mont's personal Damian McBride, it will end with the Book of Revelations (written by Alastair) in which the end of the world will be prophesied in impenetrable metaphors."

BBC Scotlandshire is privileged to have received advanced (or second) sight of extracts from Darling's Book of Revelations.

Inspired by the Spirit of Good Expenses, he fulminated, "If the descendants of Scota say Yea, and e'en thrice times Yea, to splitting from the Chosen Ones then Lo! as Dictator Eck spake unto the crowd, there came a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth made of hair, and the whole moon became like blood; and the stars of the sky fell to the earth.

"The sky was split apart, every mountain and island were moved out of their places. And Lo! did friends and family become foreigners overnight and One Direction were no longer yours (though the Irish ones never were anyway).

"And Lo! did seven trumpet-bearing Angels come to earth. The first trumpet, Lamont warned of a virus spreading throughout mankind; the second trumpet, the spirit of Wullie Rennie said, 'woe oh woe we’re all done for. Bit whit kin ye dae, eh?'.

"The last Trump coursed throughout the land, forcing ludicrous hair styles and outrageous green fees on the inhabitants thereof.”

A Scottish Government statistician said, "Gee words are difficult things, numbers are much clearer, but let me try to explain. Better Together may have 'slightly misinterpreted' the use of the word 'bible'. We're not involved in producing a religious tract, simply the best data that can be wrung out of the rather inadequate UK accounts.

"There's no conflict between us and our London colleagues. We're all trying to give the public the best information possible. If we piss off the most ludicrous distortions of reality, from both camps, we'll have done our job."

Chairman of the UK Statistics Authority Sir Andrew Dilnot said, " If statistics are used badly in a way which can mislead, not only is the debate damaged but it worsens attitudes to public debate. It's extraordinarily important to stand up for the appropriate and good use of statistics."

After running these comments past the North Britain regional office of the Labour Party, BBC Scotlandshire utterly condemns these expressions of disgraceful professionalism by the number crunchers. "That undermines the whole basis of British democracy", said Head of News and Bias, Johnny Bossyman.

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