By Ahauf Anahauf, Our Water Correspondent

COSLA President, Labour's Councillor David O’Neill, has protested at the plans of the Nat controlled quango Scottish Water to undermine Glasgow.

"We were told that these tunnels were simply to deal with waste water during high rainfall, and that they would prevent flooding.

"The truth is now coming out. The Airdrie Environmental Project was started in January 2011 and 4 months later Alex Neil stole that seat from us. The Glasgow tunnel is planned to start just 4 months before the referendum. The connection is obvious.

"The scale of their planned  takeover is massive. Normally these huge tunnels are about 4.5 metres in diameter. However, "Tunnels and tunnelling" have announced that bids are being invited for a tunnel 1,000 times bigger - 4.5 kilometres (almost 3 miles) wide! What the hell are the Natz going to put in a hole that big?"

BBC Scotlandshire have put their crack investigative journalism team on to this story, and have interrogated specialists to find out the answer to that question.

Emeritus Professor Hugh Pennington, who held the bacterial chair at the University of Aberdeen (he should have washed his hands) and is an ardent campaigner for the Better Together with Bugs campaign said, "I don't think that there can be any doubt that this huge hole is for the disposal of diseased corpses.

"In the 19th century 'Cholera pits' were dug to dispose of the corpses of the bacterial epedemic of the 1830s. The deaths from a viral epidemic of nationalism, which drugs can't deal with will be much worse.

"As one who is seriously infected with the virus, to the extent that I constantly sing Rule Britannia and Land of Hope and Glory, I've already booked my place in the pit."

Much of this huge tunnel will run below the Glasgow South West constituency of Ian Davidson MP and Chairchoob of the Commons Select Committee of Unionist Members Misrepresenting Your Britishness As Wanting Subjection. We asked the Constituency Chair for a response.

Several hours later, we decided that asking a chair (even a reclining one) for a point of view was unproductive, so we sought a response from the Chairchoob himself.

Mr Davidson commented,"S'at right? The Natz are diggin a bluidy giant muckle hole unner that bluidy giant muckle hole that I misrepresent at Westminster? Maks nae difference tae me, hen. Ah've got enough postal votes stored doon here tae see me through till I get ma ermine robes.

"They're safe fae a'thin 'cept global waming an the sea levels risin tae flood London, an there's nae chance o' that", he laughed. When we showed him the latest IPCC climate report he donned his waders, water wings and snorkel and ran down to the cellar.

Military historian, Scott Whahae, was convinced that this was evidence that the Natz were embarking on aggressive counter measures to Labour's secret bunker and tunnel complex under Glasgow.

"BBC Scotlandshire has reported extensively on SLAB's tunnel complex", she said. "We also know that the Natz are obsessed with the legends of ancient history. Why else would they spend all day, every day, watching Braveheart?

"While loyal Brits celebrate the outbreak of World War I in 1914, the event which created modern Britain identity as a state that was in terminal decline as a world power, Natz look much further back. They don't look to the glorious work of British miners digging tunnels under Belgium to plant explosives that killed thousands. They are inspired by earlier examples of crawling around in the shit. The obvious example is when the Black Douglas captured a castle from the English by crawling through the sewer outlet. Now, that never actually happened, but as noted American, but Nat-obsessed, author J M Tomlin observed, 'It's such a good story, it should have happened.' 

"A more likely basis for their plan is the mine and counter-mine under the walls of St Andrew's castle dug in the 16th century. That's just yesterday in the minds of the Natz, who are consumed by historical grievances. Obviously, they intend to store Glasgow's entire shite output for the next year under Craigton, then use the methane produced to blow up Glasgow when it votes No."

Defence expert, Try Dent, disagreed. "I expect this huge depository to be linked to Glen Douglas by another tunnel. That way, the Trident warheads can be removed from their bunkers, thus removing Britain's nuclear deterrent and, consequently, its seat on the UN Security Council. The Natz have long complained about WMD being stored 30 miles away from Scotlandshire's largest city. They intend to remove that grievance by storing them directly under Scotlandshire's largest city."

Finally, we asked Scottish Water to comment. "Loved that typo!" laughed spokeswoman Drippin Tapp. "There's nothing sinister going on. It's just that as a publicly owned company, we can actually invest all your water rates into improving the infrastructure. We don't have to siphon off cash to shareholders."

Our readers will scorn such a ludicrous explanation, just as we do.

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