By Didaheer Yericht, Our One British Nation, One British State Correspondent

In a passionate speech outlining her belief in the only thing that matters, Mags Curran MP, a shadow of a Secretary of State, vowed that Salmond would fail in his intention to divide the British Labour Party.

“This referendum is nothing to do with what’s best for Scotlandshire”, she claimed. “It’s all about a politician and the interests of the party.

“In that cynical view of politics, the politician and the party does not exist to serve the country. The country exists to serve the politician and the party.

“That has been our vision in British Labour, since the 1990s. That is why we created the fiction of the ‘Scottish Labour Party’, and pretended that that daft bitch over there was our leader, and not whoever real Scots in English constituencies decided it would be.

"If the SNP have their way, their plan will mean the break-up of the British Labour Party after 113 years.

"I want to send a clear message from this conference: That after 113 years, Alex Salmond is not going to bring our movement to an end. We’ll do that for ourselves!

 "When we were invading Iraq, bringing in ATOS, and privatising everything in sight, we were telling our supporters, 'if you don't like it, feel free to vote for someone else'. Obviously we didn't mean they should REALLY vote for someone else and especially not the Natz. 

"Furthermore, we have a long-standing agreement with the Tories that Scotlandshire is clearly ours and we rule it in perpetuity, so it is now up to the Tories to deliver on this promise and ensure the Natz can't keep getting more votes than us because that is so not fair and not British democracy at all! To be fair, they do their best by putting up candidates like Mundell, and they can't be blamed because some voters went rogue and elected him.

"This referendum is not about separation really: it's about the Scotlandshire that Labour was promised as being ours - the "Promised Land" that Labour has always talked about - against the government the silly people elected in a landslide, and Salmond must be defeated by any means, and at at any cost, for the good of us, its rightful leaders."

Ms Curran exhibited the nifty political footwork for which she is famed, by sidestepping the blade in the toe of Johann La-Mont’s shoe as Johann made her way to the “One Nation” podium to condemn other people's nationalism.

Lamont (who has to change her name to La-Mont at Labour’s British Nation Conference) described nationalism as a “virus that has affected so many nations and done so much harm”.

Some Labologists believe that this was a dig at Milliband’s racist, nationalist anti immigrant policy, which would breach EU law by forcing companies to employ only British apprentices. "Repeating Brown's 'British Jobs for British Workers! shows that he remains scared of more votes haemorraging to UKIP", said an insider.

Most, however, are convinced that La-Mont is herself suffering from the current viral epidemic that is killing off the Labour Party. Certainly there were many evident symptoms of the Whitsirony Dinneunnerstaun Fukkindifficile virus among speakers at Labour’s Macbethian session.

We asked viral expert Professor Hugh Pennington to describe the effects of the virus, but an aide said, “Unfortunately, Hugh was infected with the virus when he joined the Better Together campaign, and has lost all ability to distinguish between reality, unreality and his research grants.”

Consultant pathologist Dr Kutemupp Oanraslab said, “This is a serious mutation of a very common virus. In its benign state, people simply think that other people have accents – but not them. It’s a mildly annoying condition, but is not life threatening. This mutation, however, means that sufferers feel obliged to prance around in public in situations where they look (as we doctors describe it) complete tits. It’s a kind of political karaoke and very sad.”

A spokeshuman for the so called "Labour for Indy" group said, "These hate-filled harridans have little to do with the traditions of the Labour movement in Scotland. The virus is easily avoided by using simple hygiene procedures. After being in contact with a sufferer, check they've not got your kickers in a twist before washing your hands thoroughly - and don't forget to count your fingers."

News Flash

Reports are reaching us that Labour leader Ed Miliband has been infected with Lamont's "virus of nationalism". Advance copies of his speech to the Brighton Conference of the "We detest any kind of nationalism unless its ours" British National Labour Party contains this devastating evidence of the virus - He is to say: “Let’s make sure, over the next year, we win the battle for the most important institution of all: our country.”

Doctors consider his case to be in the terminal stages, and even singing the Internationale at the end of conference is unlikely to produce a cure.

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