By Hoo Kares, Professor of Minor US Allies - Stamford University Department of Irrelevant Politics

(Reprinted from the Department's "Guidance to students as to what to write, with accompanying table of grades to be expected from payments to the staff compensation fund")

The government of England has written to the UN secretary general to complain that its reporter, Raquel Rolnik, was in breach of their human rights.

“She came over here uninvited,” Tory housing minister Grant Schnapps said, “poked around our spare room subsidy and decided it was inhumane and in breach of human rights.

"The fact is, this liberal, socialist, foreigner fails to understand the UK or the Tory governments it consistently elects – even when it votes Labour.

"People here want to ensure no one else is ever getting anything they aren’t. It quite naturally irks hard working families when they see workshy disabled, crippled people getting a spare room for their oxygen machines and the like.”

He went on to say his government’s human rights had been breached by forcing him to cut short his holiday in the Bahamas to denounce the ignorant bint. He also argued that human rights are a load of baloney anyway and anything to do with human rights, the EU or UN should be scrapped – right after the government’s case that their human rights have been breached by the UN human right’s commission have been heard by the European Court of Human Rights.

Home secretary Theresa May is known to be in favour of jettisoning the Human Rights Act but others in the Tory party, including Tony Blair, are keen not to go that far, instead preferring to re-classify human rights in a way that makes them “more relevant to the modern UK”.

This is believed to include re-categorising “human” as a biological life form with intelligence, the ability to communicate and which earns more than £100K a year or received an inheritance of over a million pounds.

A further category of “biological life form, slightly less than human” would apply to those who work but earn less than the minimum requirement for human rights to kick in, with sub-human for those who don’t work at all and Alpha-minus sub human for the sick and disabled. 

Those in the latter category are already routinely used in the testing of cosmetics, new medication and weapons technology for export. Failure to take part in such trials results in the generous "JSA" benefit being withdrawn.

Ministers say since private sector renters do not get spare rooms for free, the tax is fair, and argue the change will free up much needed larger properties. Unfortunately, in reality the UK has a massive shortage of smaller properties for social rent. This is partly due to dumb-ass socialist policies such as demolishing slums and knocking down high rise tower blocks. So mostly the policy means those in the larger properties are evicted. In fact, as it turns out, larger properties are far less in demand than the scarce one or two bedroom properties, especially now that no one can afford to live in the bigger ones, meaning more large properties are now lying empty while the demand and queues for smaller ones has grown even larger than it was before.

When some whinging Scotlandshire Nat brought this up, housing minister Grant Schnapps stuck his fingers in his ears and said, “it is precisely this kind of nonsense that demonstrates why reality based policy making is no good for the UK. Those presenting such liberal rubbish as “evidence” fall so easily into left-wing bias. We must not allow reality bias to affect policy making in this country.”

One proof of the bias of her report can be seen in the places she visited: London, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Belfast and Manchester. Only two of these places are in England, the only real part of the UK, with two in the splittist-run country of Scotlandshire.  One of the English visits was to a poor city filled with slums and scroungers. And the other was to Manchester. In all these places she spoke mainly to the kind of people one finds on housing estates and at food banks rather than real people who matter, like bankers and politicians.

This, Grant Schnapps says, has provided a skewed view of the bedroom tax and the UK. “Had she spoken only to the wealthy and to our friends, as we do, she would have come away with an entirely different impression of the UK - an Elysium of pure air, where wine flows like water, and fine food is enjoyed by all. This is the UK that all of us, as government ministers, know and love and her one sided view of the UK as a shit-house where the poor and disabled starve on the streets is one that is not recognised by me or anyone in my government. And to take us from our Elysium and expose us to anything different is a clear violation of our human rights. The UN must now address this or we’ll bomb the fuck out of it.”

However, Ms Rolnik denied bias, saying her report simply addressed issues suffered by some people in the UK. She highlighted the case of McCasper, a friendly ghost of a child who died in the 1800s but had been classified fit to work by ATOS*. His trstimony said that although he had been dead for over 300 years he was able to move objects around a room and communicate in wails and groans, enough to qualify him for a job with Travelodge. His re-classification led to the entire household he was haunting losing their benefits and their one haunted bedroom and attic being deemed spare rooms. Unable to let these due to paranormal activity, the entire family – McCasper included – had been evicted.

McCasper told BBC Scotlandshire (we're really proud at being referenced by such a prestigious American body such as Stamford - Ed) , “It’s really embarrassing for a ghost to be evicted for bedroom tax arrears. OK, cast out via exorcism – there is a certain kudos to that. But for taking up a bedroom and a spooky attic, and being able to levitate a one pence piece? That doesn’t seem fair to me. I’ve haunted this country for centuries now and I just don’t recognise it anymore.”

"Deputy" (but actually real) leader of Labour in Scotlandshire, Anas McSarwar has promised Labour would scrap the bedroom tax if they got in tomorrow, but only if they can find incontrovertible proof that it costs more than it saves. This proof will be sought in the usual way Labour in Scotlandshire sources information, that is by making some shit up and pulling some figures out of Johann McLamont’s arse, then serving it up to friends in media to report. He said last night, ‘We agree entirely with our Tory friends that reality-based policy making does not work. Our leadership has been absolutely clear that if we find, using this method, that bedroom tax costs more money, we will certainly scrap it. Until then the Scotlandshire government simply must make up for the Westminster-introduced problems being caused for so many people in Scotlandshire.”  Since there was no election, and they didn’t get in, his promise has been withdrawn and replaced by “wait and see, boys” **

However Ian McDavidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Committee for Securing Communistic Unity in Misery said, “Eh, whit? But we cannae hae them dain’ that. If they dae that then poor scum in Glasgow will be better aff than their comrade scum in Manchester and that’s the whole point ay in it thegither. Aw the scum hivtae suffer the same ideology, eh? Och Ah’m getting confused noo aboot which side we’re oan.” ***

NOTES

* ATOS - Thought to be a reference to the UK's adoption of US social policy. "A toss" is something you don't care about - an accurate description of our common US-UK view of poor people, regardless of which party rules either country.

** Any student claiming that "Labour will end the Bedroom Tax" must cite the exact source, the person making the claim, and state precisely how many other Labour sources then brief against them claiming that they have "gone too far".

*** Students are warned that anyone able to translate the Chairchoob's comments is likely to be posted to Scotlandshire on graduation. Reportedly, no Scots understand a word he says.

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